Hi - I am in the process of applying at UCF and was hoping someone could critique my draft essay. See the two topics I chose below and my essay.
Thanks for any help!
Topic 1. Why did you choose to apply to UCF?
I have always wanted to go to college because I would be the first person in my family to do so. UCF was the first college I toured and when we drove onto the campus it felt like I was in a huge city whose purpose was to educate all who live there. Our tour was led by students who were very passionate and knowledgeable about the different programs. I am interested in pursuing a degree in the engineering program, and when we stepped into the building I was impressed with all the projects that were on display. One of them was a roller coaster for Disney, and our guide said that Disney hires most of their engineers from UCF. The amenities at UCF were amazing! There were pools and hot tubs where any of the students can relax in their free time. At one point of the tour we stepped into this huge gym with a rock wall, a track, and an innumerable amount of exercise machines. There was also a plethora of different restaurants around the campus, in which you can eat anytime of the day that you would like to. After our tour of the UCF campus, I was sure that I wanted to go to UCF.
Topic 2. What qualities or unique characteristics do you possess that would allow you to contribute to the UCF community?
My family has always supported my love for music. Ever since I was a child, I have been interested in playing some kind of musical instrument. Music is such a beautiful thing. It can fully express every human emotion, and also invoke emotion in its listener. Maybe this is the reason I am so enamored with music. The first instrument I learned to play was the piano. I always remember it being very difficult because you have to coordinate both of your hands to play two totally different things. Even though it was difficult, I was only seven years old when I was already playing piano recitals at my church. They were not the most difficult songs, and they did not sound perfect by far, but I still had the courage to play them in front of the whole church. In middle school, I join orchestra class, because I wanted to learn how to play the violin. Even though my parents hated the sound, I would practice every day at home for an hour until it sounded perfect. Eventually, and after much practice, my conductor moved me to the advanced violins section. I have been playing violin for eight years now, and have been in orchestra class just as long. For the past two years, I have been a section leader in the orchestra, and I get to teach a bunch of new people how to play violin. It is very satisfying to know that my knowledge of music can be passed down to others so that music can keep living, and inspire all the lives that it touches for as long as sound can be made on any instrument.
Hie David
I've read your essay and identified some things which I hope will be helpful to you.
The most prominent error in your essay are that you are discussing the things you love,which is great,but you are not linking it with the college experience and how your presence could add to the same.
Consider this sentence:
_There were pools and hot tubs where any of the students can relax in their free time. At one point of the tour we stepped into this huge gym with a rock wall, a track, and an innumerable amount of exercise machines.
First of all,are pools and hot tubs a highly plausible reason to want to attend a college?i'm not sure if an admissions officer will take you seriously if you include this in your essay.Also,if you re-read this sentence again,it sounds alike you are describing this college to someone who knows nothing about it.The AO's are aware of their own facilities,rather tell them how you will be able to benefit from these facilities and how you will use these to contribute to the college experience.I dont think you want to leave the impression that you want to come to college only to relax in the hot tub!
I hope this helps!best wishes.
I have always wanted to go to college because I would be the first person in my family to do so. cliche! Don't start with a cliche. So many students say this. You can mention that no one else went to college besides you, but don't let it be the intro sentence for the essay.
UCF was the first college I toured--- why mention this? Makes it sound like maybe you chose the first school you saw.
and when we drove onto the campus it felt like I was in a huge city whose purpose was to educate all who live there. This sentence is something that you could say about any school...
Our tour was led by students who were very passionate and knowledgeable about the different programs. --- good!
I am interested in pursuing a degree in the engineering program, and when we stepped into the building I was impressed with all the projects that were on display. ----- good, but what kind of engineering?! I want to know more about your plan!
There were pools and hot tubs where any of the students can relax in their free time. ---- this should not be one of the points you mention! Besides, they already know what the campus has. Write about your intellectual interests.
I always remember it being very difficult because you have to coordinate both of your hands to play two totally different things (what is the music term for this?) Oh, I know... do this.. to play two totally different sequences of notes.
I get to teach a bunch of new people how to play violin. ---- cool!! I want to buy my little sister an electric violin... any brand you recommend?
:-)
Alright guys, here is my revised essay
-----------------------------------------
I have had many important things happen in my life, but I think going to college is going to top them all. I have always wanted to go to college because I would be the first person in my family to do so, and when I saw that my first college tour was going to be UCF I became very excited. I had heard so many great things about the school from alumni and current students. Our tour was led by students who were very passionate and knowledgeable about the different programs. I am interested in pursuing a degree in the engineering program, or even a degree in physics. When we stepped into the engineering building, I was very impressed by all the projects that were on display. One of them was a roller coaster for Disney, and our guide said that Disney hires most of their engineers from UCF. The program I would really like to join is CREOL, but I realize this is a graduate program, and I will work my way up to it, starting with a degree in engineering. I have always thought of myself as the inventor type, and I think becoming an engineer would help me to bring all the ideas in my mind to life. UCF is the perfect college for me.
My family has always supported my love for music. Ever since I was a child, I have been interested in playing some kind of musical instrument. Music is such a beautiful thing. It can fully express every human emotion, and also invoke emotion in its listener. Maybe this is the reason I am so enamored with music. The first instrument I learned to play was the piano. I always remember it being very difficult because you have to coordinate both of your hands to play two totally different rhythms at once. Even though it was difficult, I was only seven years old when I was already playing piano recitals at my church. They were not the most difficult songs, and they did not sound perfect by far, but I still had the courage to play them in front of the whole church. In middle school, I join orchestra class, because I wanted to learn how to play the violin. Even though my parents hated the sound, I would practice every day at home for an hour until it sounded perfect. After much practice, my conductor moved me to the advanced violins section. I have been playing violin for eight years now, and have been in orchestra class just as long. For the past two years, I have been a section leader in the orchestra, and I get to teach a bunch of new people how to play violin. It is very satisfying to know that my knowledge of music can be passed down to others so that music can keep living, and inspire all the lives that it touches for as long as sound can be made on any instrument.
------------------------------------------------------
oh and i don't know what violin brand i would recommend, I don't have an electric violin...but instruments shouldn't be bought as presents unless the musician can come try them out first and see which one they like...unless she is brand new to violin, hope this helps :)
instruments shouldn't be bought as presents unless the musician can come try them out first and see which one they like...unless she is brand new to violin
Thanks! That's good advice. She is brand new to it, so ... yeah... I get to choose one.
I have had many important things happen in my life, but I think going to college is going to top them all. ------ I still don't like this part. If you have serious plans about things you want to accomplish in life, you will write this sentence in terms of them instead of just "going to college." Know what I mean? With a serious vision for the future, you say "going to college to study biology in preparation for my Traditional Chinese Medicine training..." or something like that. "Going to college" is like what a young kid would say, but you should talk about some specific process you are trying to achieve.
This is the only other part I don't like:
I have always wanted to go to college because I would be the first person in my family to do so...-----This is kind of an overused cliche, and it expresses a strange meaning subject to various interpretations. You can mention this fact, but I don't think you should present it as though it is a big deal. Make it so that the big deal is your plan, your vision for the future.
:-)
