Music is a major component of my personal identity. Participation in Marching Band, Symphony Band, Jazz Band, the Detroit Civic Youth Ensemble, and the Belleville Community Band have enriched my life and helped me develop skills in leadership, responsibility, and commitment. Being part of a group with the goal of performing well for others generates a true sense of ownership and dedication. While playing my trombone during the half-time show at football games, I know that my peers are depending on me to concentrate and contribute to the show to the best of my ability. My experiences with music have taught me the value of persevering to gain success.
This sounds fine, although the points you mention are "a true sense of ownership and dedication" and "I know that my peers are depending on me", while summarizing with "persevering to gain success", these seem disconnected. On a side note, how important are these short essays?
The text is great, shows your passion about musica although, increasing the introduction a bit may help aswell. Try tu write some about your lifem how have learned musica and so on.
On the common app it says to briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (150 words or fewer).
This is good writing, but it needs a vitamin. It needs some seasoning to spice it up. It basically says that band put pressure on you and that you feel empowered from the experience of successfully playing your role. This is a good, common feeling. The fact that you have experienced this means you are able to appreciate similar experiences of teamwork in your chosen field.
I think you should condense the part about band and make room for more discussion of your identity, which led you to band and also to the degree program you are choosing. Bridge the gap betweenband identity and identity as a scholar entering a particular field.
