Unanswered [1] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Undergraduate   % width Posts: 4

Music - WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY? - Tufts Supplement


Anumeha 7 / 13 2  
Oct 17, 2013   #1
Please give me any constructive criticism!

Music has a way of changing perspectives. On those days where nothing seems to be going right, and I'm sitting in my car wondering where the future is going to lead me, headphones and a little John Mayer make me realize that this uncertainty will pass. That this is just a fragment of everything that lies ahead.

On those days when it comes time to perform the dance I've been rehearsing for 2 months, and I can't seem to shake off the fear that I will mess up, headphones and a little Lady Gaga remind me to smile and remember that I've done this before. Ten times.

On those days when I'm getting ready to travel, even if it is only a few hours to New York City, Ed Sheeran and Taylor Swift's songs get me excited, and remind me that the simple joys of driving with the windows down need to be cherished.

It's interesting to me how a simple song is all it takes to brings back a thousand memories. And how a simple song is what gives me the courage to go forward and pursue what I've been dreaming of. Music truly is what makes me happy. It makes me so glad to be alive.

Rumpumpum - / 3  
Oct 21, 2013   #2
Don't turn the whole thing into past tense. Only turn the statements that you've done once and won't do again past tense. Dont change the tense if you know you'll do it more like this:

On those days when I'm getting ready to travel, even if it is only a few hours to New York City, Ed Sheeran and Taylor Swift's songs get me excited, and remind me that the simple joys of driving with the windows down need to be cherished

Also organize the examples by the tenses, so start with the past tense statements and when you're done go to the tense you do have.

Mentioning headphones doesn't add anything to your essay and it also sounds a little awkward as well
Changing a to one adds more emphasis to statement.
For formal english, only use conjunctions (and/or/but/yet/etc) to attach two sentences/clauses together.
midge 1 / 8 2  
Oct 27, 2013   #3
I really enjoy your sentence structure. It is very imbued with voice. All in all a strong essay. (I'm applying to Tufts also. *Yay Jumbo*) Would you mind looking over my common app essay? It's sort of stream of consciousness, be forewarned.
jfang 1 / 10 3  
Oct 28, 2013   #4
I love Taylor Swift too :D

Only thing is, your essay would probably be more powerful if you quoted lines from the songs that impacted you most and relate them to your situations.

And try to not use so many commas!


Home / Undergraduate / Music - WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY? - Tufts Supplement