This is what i have so far, but i think it needs something. tell me what you think, i need feedback! Rip it to shreds
any suggestions/comments, everythings helpful
We'll have nine months to get to know each other better, but we have to start somewhere.
Music is a necessity for me, especially when studying. My brain works on several different levels at once, and listening to music helps to keep me cognizant and focused on one task. An innumerable amount of times I have shocked myself to find I already completed my calculus homework or biology project while the entire time I had been analyzing the latest story for my English class and mentally drafting an essay. Most days you will probably find me sitting cross-legged on my bed, papers around me in an ordered semicircle, my laptop at my side and my iPod blaring just about anything but country. Sometimes breaks are a necessity for my mental sanity. While I push myself with and am fully committed to my school work, I know when I need a break. Sometimes the best thing I could ever do when working on a particularly tricky assignment is to take an exercise break. Going for a jog or doing an abdominal workout clears my mind and the problem I was struggling with seems to almost solve itself. So, when I'm not busy studying, doing brain teasers, or reading, I like to stay active. Swimming, diving, biking, hiking, running, yoga, and, ever since I saw The Matrix, I have wanted to take up Kung Fu.
I have a wide variety of interest and I am always open to trying new things, hopefully we can learn from each other show each other something new.
My comments are in red.
We'll have nine months to get to know each other better delete "better" - you're not supposed to know them at all. , but we have ...
My brain works on several different levels at once, and listening to music helps to keep me cognizant and focused on one task. Reword the last bit so that it doesn't sound like it's contradicting the first An innumerable amount of times "times" is countable - therefore, say, "innumerable number" I have shocked myself to find I already completed my calculus homework or biology project while the entire time I had been analyzing the latest story for my English class and mentally drafting an essay. The last sentence doesn't add much meaning to the essay.
Sometimes breaks are a necessity just say, "are necessary" for my mental sanity Redundancy: "sanity" will do. .
Swimming, diving, biking, hiking, running, yoga, and, ever since I saw The Matrix, I have wanted to take up Kung Fu.This last sentence seems rather off. Swimming, biking, hiking - what? The only thing in that sentence that has any relation to The Matrix is Kung Fu.
I have a wide variety of interest interests and I am always open to trying new things, There should have been a period here - not a comma. hopefully we can learn from each other and show each other something new.The last words seemed a little weak.
You pay too much attention to only certain facets of your personality and interests. For instance, you used the word "break" in three sentences. I also noticed that you crossed the word limit (250, I think), which is probably because of the verbosity of the essay. You need to work on that more than anything else.
Honestly, I don't think your roomate will like this essay too much, nor Stanford. I know this essay is supposed to tell your roomate all about you, but its intent is to tell Stanford what you can bring to campus, to your dorm, to your friends. Although you have made it clear you are active in many sports, I think it would be better if you say something about how you will spend time with your roomates, with your many friends, it's one important part of your personality too, that is, how your interact with people.
Hello,
This essay has some good concepts, but the structure needs some work. If you start a paragraph with this sentence,"Music is a necessity for me, especially when studying," then it should be the topic of the paragraph. But when you get to saying this, "shocked myself to find I already completed my calculus homework or biology project while the entire time I had been analyzing the latest story for my English class and mentally drafting an essay," it seems you have veered away from music and made it a paragraph about your mind multitasking. But why talk about any of that?
I don't think it is bad to talk about those things, but there should be one overarching theme for the essay, and all the stuff you mention should relate to it somehow.
What is the main message you want the reader to remember about you?
:-)
