This is something that I have to write for the commonapp and I choose music/violin. Please give me feedback! I also have to turn in this app soon, so feedback asap would be nice! =)
Music is my life and my passion. I like to think I was introduced to music as soon as I was conceived. If not then, I was introduced to music early in my life. Started on piano at age three and then introduced to...
(word count 145/150)
Try to start with something like this instead [made modifications].
"Music is my life, my passion. I feel as if it has been a part of me since the day I was born. Starting the piano at age three and the violin at age five, music has played a key role in my life."
I think by 'thought' you mean 'taught' ?
The things you said are kind of vague, such as assertions. You should try and mention HOW music has taught you the rewards of working hard and made you realize how you can push yourself further.
You could say something about HOW music has 'played a big role in your life'.
Provide EXAMPLES of the 'many things' you were taught while learning the violin.
There are also some grammatical errors. I suggest the following improvements.
"BEING a member of several different orchestras..."
"Although I have stopped taking piano lessons FORMALLY, I still play IT AT church."
"... perform alone, in a quartet or
in a larger group setting, AS WELL AS IN AN orchestra."
I hope some of my advice helps you. I really think you need to revise what you have written, and try to replace the assertions with more examples and substance. The passage can be improved a lot if you work on it hard enough.
Good luck. :)
I like that you have passion but I do think you need to show it more. It seems like you are just explaining what you do. Tell us what it actually means to you. You do this in the last sentence but maybe you need just a little more
I'm not sure how much explaining to do, since my personal statement is also about violin/music. But I will take account into your suggestions!! I will post up a redo later tonight.
I also think you can use more adjectives to show how much you love it, and how much passion you have for it.
but good luck !
So I revised this..completely. I decided to just talk about violin instead, but I'm not sure about that choice. Feedback please??
Violin is my life, my passion. I feel as if it has been a part of me since the day I was born. Starting violin lessons at age five, it has played a key role in my life. Violinists are given opportunities to perform alone, in a quartet or a larger group setting such as an orchestra. As a violinist, I enjoy the physical and the mental challenge playing violin gives me. Every piece I have ever played involved the mental endurance of memorization....
I'm at 151 words, but common app wants 150 words or fewer. One word won't really matter right?
Violin is my life, my passion. I feel as if it has been a part of me since the day I was born. Starting violin lessons at age five, it has played a key role in my life. Violinists are given opportunities to perform alone, in a quartet or in a larger group setting such as an orchestra. As a violinist, I enjoy the physical and the mental challenge playing violin provides me. Every piece I have ever played has involved the mental endurance of memorization and the physical endurance of being able to perform a long piece well. The adrenaline rush of playing a piece well on stage is worth the few minutes of stage fright. The ache in my shoulders after practicing, rehearsing or simply partaking in a lesson make me feel as though I accomplished something. The violin hickey I acquired after years is my badge of honor, a remembrance of my passion.
I like this essay. Don't feel like you have to take my suggestions, you're on cusp of something really good. Personally, I would revise the last sentence about the hickey. Also, I changed to "The ache in my shoulders..." sentence to keep a sense of parallelism. It may not be perfect though.
I started taking violin lessons at age 5. I enjoy the physical and the mental challenge playing violin provides me. Every piece I have ever played involves the mental endurance of memorization and the stamina. The adrenaline rush of playing well on stage is worth the few minutes of stage fright. The ache in my shoulders after practice, rehearsal or lessons offers a satisfying sense of accomplishment. Despite being a high school student, I must at least practice violin sometime during the day and if I don't, I feel empty later in the day. The line "I can't, I have rehearsal," is one that I use often. All my friends know that I will always be busy during the weekends with rehearsal, lesson or something violin related. Although some may say violin has taken up much of my social life, I completely disagree with them, after all violin is my life, my passion.
o.O once again..constructive criticism anyone? :D I will be taking this to my English teacher tomorrow...but if I could change it before...3am yep?
thank you for everyone's feedback, but sadly I'm running a bit flat on all my writing for college. So I will be choosing another topic for this topic. Thank you again!