he living room carpet is comfortable as I lie there, overtaken.
Overtaken by what? ex: overtaken by the sound.
he guitar strums to my heartbeat, or as the drummer quickens his rhythm.
The guitarist--drummer or drum--guitar (parallelism)
stereo played the local Christian radio station.
It sounds like the stereo is playing the radio station
What's the best part about musicophilia?
A smoother transition about 'musicophilia.' Since before you were talking about how much music affected you and made you feel, maybe talk about how much you love it.
desire to create music,
edit to: Because of my love of music, it has created in me a desire to...
Music shapes me, makes me fearless, and I will continue to listen to the sounds around me, because I am what I hear.
parallelism again: ...and causes/makes me, etc (some type of verb) ..."listen to the sounds around me, because I am what I hear." OR begin a new sentence after "makes me fearless"
Overall I really liked your essay. I think it pinpoints your love for music very well, and expresses your personality thoroughly. Great job!
I hope you can take time to criticize mine! (: