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"How music transformed me, my future".. Common application Essay


mmwhatchusay 2 / 11  
Dec 17, 2009   #1
common application: Topic of Choice

C-D-E-F-G-A-B. Growing up, these letters formulated my primary alphabet. The striking A sharp and the resounding F flat have always dwelled in me. These musical notes create who I am today. They bring out the crescendos of happiness, the diminuendos of sadness, the fortes of accomplishments in my life.

It didn't seem so bad, moving and all. At first, I saw it as a chance to make new friends and adapt to a multi-cultured lifestyle. However, nothing unfolded the way I anticipated. I was immediately labeled the "new girl." As the days of the nonstop jeers accumulated, I was enervated and scared to face my peers. I was stepped on, hammered to the ground; each day, I shrunk more and more.

However, there were some days when I had something to look forward to once school was over. My mother occasionally took me to the Manhattan School of Music, where she attended classes and sang opera. I sometimes met her professors, directors, friends, and legendary classical artists in concert halls. Being in the presence of their musical aura, I sensed their energy and passion for singing and music as a whole. Their vocals were intriguing, as were their bursts of liveliness in their performances. Surrounding myself with music was the only way to happiness; it vacuumed away my fears of judgment from school.

Music started as just a hobby and source of entertainment for me, but soon enough, it was my hope. I started listening to various artists, ranging from Maria Callas to Mariah Carey. Ravenously searching for my iPod, I forcefully plugged earphones into my ears, eager to listen to my favorite songs. I shut myself in the bathroom; what can I say, it has the best acoustics in the house. Cranking up the volume, I plunged into the melody of each song, grabbing a comb, and watched myself sing in the mirror. I've never felt so alive, so real, so natural, as I sang my heart out. I experimented with my voice, attempting to hit the high E in one piece, low B and middle C in another. Visualizing an audience much like the one in the Manhattan theatre, I felt like a superstar for once. I was my own rock star, no matter what anyone else said.

It was December 26, the day of the all-school talent show. One and a half hours of waiting for my turn felt merely like a few minutes. Once my name was called, it took more than ten seconds for my mind to register what was going on. As my body took two hesitant steps forward, my heart flung two leaps back. But I took the plunge. This was a chance to prove something about myself. Cracking my knuckles, and trying to enervate the earthquake rumbling in my heart, I reluctantly walked up the steps to the stage, and inhaled gallons of air as I neared the microphone. Lowering the microphone stand one foot down to my level, I could see the indifferent audience from the corner of my eye. The people in the crowd impatiently tapped their toes as they waited. They talked amongst each other, murmuring about the girl on stage, for what talent could she possibly have? Should I turn back to my seat in the audience? No, I couldn't step back now; I had to pretend like I have done this forever. And here I was. Everyone's eyes were now stuck on me like a magnet. Then, I did it. "There's a hero..." I started with those first three words. My mind was lost in the melody of the moment; it sunk deeply into the words of the song. Until this day, I recount this memory with a smile.

I introduced myself to everyone in the least expected way. I did have something to show to the world; I was somebody. I was the 'new' girl, alright, but in a sense that I grew to stand strongly on my own. Music brought a new chapter of my life. Within the following months, I signed up for every possible activity related to singing, and focused on becoming more outgoing and confident. I learned to confront problems directly, handle adversity with humor, and not let others define me.

There is the German language, English language, Japanese language, but nothing like the Music language. I could express my inner being and share a message through the words of a song. Encouraged by my past, I found my way of growing through leading students rather than letting them ridicule me. I ran for student council positions of my school, joined athletic teams, and did whatever it took to become a bigger person and be a part of my school. Often I reminded myself that there is nothing unattainable. The gradation of the years was like a spectrum of colors, most colorful as I neared the future. The lyrics of my life have been written, but I aspire to transform them into a song.

Please be as critical as possible! Thanks!
seivert9 4 / 8  
Dec 17, 2009   #2
The introduction I feel could be moved to the conclusion. Your transitions from how your interest in music expanded into an integral part of your life were fantastic. Keep up the good work!
OP mmwhatchusay 2 / 11  
Dec 17, 2009   #3
Thank you! I'll try to make my conclusion more interesting if I can
Jeannie 10 / 214  
Dec 18, 2009   #4
You get the "Best Essay Today" prize!!

The gradation of the years was like a spectrum of colors, most colorful as I neared the future. The lyrics of my life have been written, but I aspire to transform them into a song.

Don't you dare change of word of this ending! It brought tears to my eyes! BRAVO!

I forgot what part I was going to correct...hang on...BRB (just minor things)

I was enervated and scared to face my peers.

Is enervated the right word here? You use it again, by the way, in paragraph 5 "Cracking my knuckles, and trying to enervate the earthquake rumbling in my heart..." I'm not a big fan of this word...how about "quell" the earthquake, or just plain ol' nervous and afraid to face your peers? Boring, but better than enervated - reminds me of the central nervous system of a cyborg. :) stay with me here...

it vacuumed away my fears of judgment from school.

I like the vacuumed away part, it is the judgment from school that is weirdly prosed. "it vacuumed away my fears and vanquished the memory of judgmental schoolmates" Melodramatic? Yes, but better than boring. :)

I absolutely love this essay, mm, break a leg!

Blue skies!

Jeannie
OP mmwhatchusay 2 / 11  
Dec 18, 2009   #5
THANK YOU so much! i'll definitely make those changes
how is the beginning? is it confusing??
lyra88 4 / 19  
Dec 18, 2009   #6
"The striking A sharp and the resounding F flat have always dwelled in me."
One thing you might consider revising would be the F flat part; in music F sharp would technically be an E note, if I am not mistaken... just change it to B flat or something.

Other than that, you've got a very good, descriptive essay!
OP mmwhatchusay 2 / 11  
Dec 18, 2009   #7
^ thanks for the advice! didnt notice thattt

also, is the essay too long? and is it dragging?
its about 835 words
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Dec 20, 2009   #8
Hi mmwatchusay, I notice that the feedback you give other people is not helpful at all!!Please put some more effort into giving meaningful feedback. You write so well, I hope you will spend time helping some other people! :-)


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