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"my Muslim community" - BU 3 words..


SofiH216 1 / 4  
Jan 4, 2010   #1
In an essay no more than 500 words, please select three words that describe you best and tell us how you will use these qualities charcteristics to contribute fully to BU Community?

I need help I have vision for this essay but I cant put it toghther, Im having a writers block. I want to have a catchy begining and a strong finsh.

I want to show by quad cultural abilties to this essay
I was born in London...Half rasied in Canada...Lving in U.S.A..and my relatives from Pakistan.!!!


In my Muslim community, people say I am Broad Minded because I respect views and belief that differ from mine. They say I'm Conscientious because I lead to go in the right, path, having my self guided by my sense of right and wrong. They say I'm creative because I bring new ideas to the table, not only did I make a slight change but I helped give an outlook to the community. With the qualities I posses, going to BU will help me finish defining myself. With these qualities I can bring BU to be more diverse and have a unique cultural understanding.

If I indeed get into BU my character will kick in, I will use my values, skills and traits to help lead the community. I can use these characteristics not just for the BU community, but also use them in my business profession.. I have planned to create a clothing line and create a charitable foundation.

In order to start my business profession, I have volunteered at the Islamic Sunday School and took charge in office. At the beginning it was a roller coaster ride. I was new to the whole managing aspect and I didn't have a basic introduction of how the school runs. But every Sunday I would learn from my mistakes and make the place run smoother. Such as making rules, taking attendance, assign classes, making arrangements for substitute teachers and distributing snacks. With these actions I have filled my soul with taking responsibility, having time-management, and displaying integrity to gain their trust. Through out my experience at working at Sunday school I have achieved a political aspect of becoming the President of Youth of Jafaria. I have indulged myself to help the community in order for others to get a right perspective to what they should follow.

"Excellence starts with leaders of good and strong character who engage in the entire process of leadership"

Showing my compassion to my leadership ability I was offered to take in charge of arranging volunteers to volunteer at a big conference. I took this offer and put my will power into it not only did I get the volunteers, I was also registering people to get into the conference, they also put me in charge of taking full responsibility of the money collected. I was so honored to be trusted with loads of money and managing it. The organizers said to me that I was a strong character who shows drive, energy, determination, self-discipline, willpower, and nerve to be chosen such responsibility. What I have learned is that building excellence is being all you can be, to reach excellence you first have to be a leader of a good character.

There is more to me than just being broad minded, conscientious and creative. I am ambitious, I have determination , I'm imaginative, independent and love to care. I'm more if a go-give person, I am a little more humble than other and I am more caring about others people's feelings. I have a ability to remain quiet and open, simply to observe, never to judge. I strongly believe that your university will benefit from a student who posses these idealized qualities and I myself will become who I am meant to be by attending such a school that strengthens these qualities.

I HAVE 555/500 WORDS
please help me edit this
i put my heart into this

Please help me with errors! or if you can give me some ideas
Thank you:)
twizzlestraw 12 / 95  
Jan 4, 2010   #2
Yeah so right now, your essay lacks a good flow and any umph...
Maybe make it more anecdotal...
Do you not fit in with the Muslim community - has there been an experience where you felt like you stood out, but instead of conforming you chose to be who you were and somehow that brought about change...???

I would just scrap the last paragraph and use the space to write something more cohesive and meaningful...

hope that helped!
feel free to ask me to clarify or anything...
OP SofiH216 1 / 4  
Jan 4, 2010   #3
THANK YOU
so you are saying i should describe my realtions in the muslim community?and how i am standing out by my leadership skills

i am a president of the youth of jafaria
being that i hvae learned to respect others ( broad minded)
i have made correct desicision not just in the community itself but other communites and my life as well and i enjoy helping others in my path ( carign, conscientious)

im just soo confused
meliza8809 6 / 23  
Jan 4, 2010   #4
You should not capitalized "broad-minded" or "conscientious".

I agree with twizzlestraw. The 3rd paragraph needs to be scrapped. Although you use parallelism to a great degree it sounds like you're bragging. You don't want to come off as that.

I think a great touch would be a little bit of self-criticism to show that you are humble and not mainly showing-off.

Good Luck! :)
OP SofiH216 1 / 4  
Jan 4, 2010   #5
so shuld i talk abotu my achivemenets?
meliza8809 6 / 23  
Jan 4, 2010   #6
Yes and about your failures too. I think analysis of your character through your failures and then transitioning how your failures helpoed you to become broad-minded, conscientious and such would be a good approach. That's just me though.
OP SofiH216 1 / 4  
Jan 4, 2010   #7
noo thats brillant thank you soo much
if its allright with you
illbe back in 1 hour with final draft if you can look it over
andrew112 1 / 2  
Jan 4, 2010   #8
your essay does not flow smoothly

You can probably try in a different way to write

like a narrative style.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Jan 14, 2010   #9
It is not good to capitalize these words, like Broad Minded. Just keep them in lowercase: broad-minded.

Same with conscientious.

Maybe you can draw the reader into the meaning of the paragraph by saying where the community is:
In my Muslim community within _________, I am...

I am ambitious, determined, I'm imaginative, and independent, and I love to provide care and support for others.

:-)


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