Let Your Life Speak
What doesn't break you makes you stronger.
This philosophy was the only thing keeping me sane and hopeful throughout high school. My environment has changed me, turning me from a helpless boy into a principled man. I survived the pressures, temptations, and unfairness the world had to offer. My life may seem perfect to an outsider looking in, but beneath this calm, athletic, popular exterior, lays a whirlwind of turmoil, eating its way out. Gnawing, scratching, and biting, screaming its calls for justice and equality.
I am six foot seven inches tall, two hundred and twenty pounds, and because of my physical size and strength. I excel at sports, mainly basketball, which is my school's most popular sport. Therefore through the associative property C x (A x B) = A x (B x C) I am also popular. Sounds great right? Wrong, popularity and sports are not enough at my school. Much like the rest of the world if you don't have money, you're nothing.
I live in one of the wealthiest cities in the nation, Jupiter, Florida. Home to celebrities like, Michael Jordan, Celine Dion, and the now sexually addicted Tiger Woods. Unfortunately for the rest of us common folk it's not all sunshine and oranges. My parents together make approximately 66,000 dollars a year, a respectable income and I am very appreciative of the care they give me. Now my two good friends Zach and Kevin their dads make over 100,000 a year. They got BMWs sophomore year, I bought my used Ford Explorer senior year. They borrow money from their parents. My mom borrows money from me.
Now don't get me wrong not everyone at my school is rich. Only about 60% deal in six figures. But much like in the Hollywood high school movies, the rich and beautiful kids are the popular ones. Now here I am just and average Joe thrust into to their circle, because of my athletic abilities. Like a fish out of water, I try and relate to the bourgeois of my high school. Like a sheet of glass they see through me, they know I am not one of them.
I eat lunch with them, talk and joke with them, but they view me as a pet something to entertain them during the school hours. They make plans for the weekend in front of me, chat excitedly about the fun they are about to have. As if I already had plans, they ignore me and never invite me to join them on their fancy boats, to ride out with them to a party.
I am stuck in a purgatory state, between the gods of my high school and my own common people. So close to the heavens I can taste their lives, their dropping sweat is the water that sustains the half life I live. I am miserable, so I look down to my own common people. How pathetic and ugly they are. They don't boat, drive expensive cars, go to parties, or drink. As I view the lives of these common, provincial people, I realized something important, I realized that they are happy. Happy with themselves and happy with the lives they lead.
I have come to this realization in the last week. Unfortunately it has taken me to the end of my senior year to do so. The impact my environment had on me will serve as a lesson for which I can correct and better enjoy my future life. No longer will I try to be someone I am not. I will be myself, and be with the people who like me for me.
To be quite honest with you, I think you should start this over, because it will certainly leave a bad feeling about you with anyone who reads it. Your essay makes it sound as if you spent years in anguish and jealousy because of perhaps being a spoiled kid;
"...the only thing keeping me sane and hopeful throughout high school."
"Gnawing, scratching, and biting, screaming its calls for justice and equality."
"So close to the heavens I can taste their lives, their dropping sweat is the water that sustains the half life I live. I am miserable, so I look down to my own common people. How pathetic and ugly they are."
These things you wrote make it seem unbelievable that in the last week you matured and had an epiphany, as you wrote in the present tense;I am miserable, so I look down to my own common people. How pathetic and ugly they are."
You might be able to salvage some of this by writing just a little about how you USED to feel, but then use the bulk of your essay to say how silly you feel now, and how it must have broken your parents hearts that you've been so unhappy. How you realize now that there are people in the world with real problems, suffering over lack of food and shelter, no chance of an education at all...
This has to be all one sentence:
I am six foot seven inches tall, two hundred and twenty pounds, and because of my physical size and strength I excel at sports, mainly basketball, which is my school's most popular sport.
(I removed the period after "strength")
Now my two good friends Zach and Kevin their have dads that make over 100,000 a year.--- no need to include their names; it detracts from your meaning.
I'll use a semi-colon to fix this run on sentence:
Now don't get me wrong; not everyone at my school is rich.
Okay, here is what to do: I see Susan's point. In order to avoid making the reader think you are hopelessly superficial, move the last two paragraphs to the beginning and give a thesis sentence about your realization. That way, the reader will not be offended by all your talk of 60K being insufficient, etc. Throughout the essay, the reader is offended, but then at the end you fix it a little. I suggest moving that part about the realization to the beginning so you can let the reader know from the outset that your ideas have changed.
But is this realization that "money isn't everything" really what you want to write about? I suggest focusing more on your intended career and other meaningful, intellectual topics. No one has much sympathy for an upper middle class kid who lives among wealthier people and feels poor by comparison. Write about your professional goals! :-)
