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Myself Introduction Essay, I am from Indonesia, I participated in several chemistry competitions


gilbertwidjojo 1 / 3  
Feb 18, 2016   #1
please help to correct my essay. My lecturer uses British, so I am afraid about my essay, is it already correct or not.
Maybe someone can help correct my essay.

MY SELF INTRODUCTION
My name is Gilbert Widjojo. I am from Indonesia. The name Gilbert was taken from Pastor of GL Ministry, Gilbert Lumoindong and Widjojo is my family name. I was born on November 14, 1996, at 00.01 a.m. exactly. I am the third child of four siblings. My father is Boy Sutjitro Widjojo and my mother is Nina Widyanti Sambudi. My two older brothers are Gerald Widjojo, S.E. who now works at Shangri-La Hotel Surabaya and Ronald Widjojo, S.T. who right now studying at Bandung Institute of Technology for his Magister Degree. My little sister, Olivia Widjojo, was called by the Lord when she was 21 months old. I spend my first 2 years at Jemursari street before I moved at Jemur Andayani 6/22, Surabaya, Indonesia.

I spend my whole life in Surabaya. When I was 4 years old, I went to Kartika Playgroup. After that, I went to Petra 9 Kindergarten and Elementary School for the next 8 years. At 12 years old, I went to Petra 5 Junior and High School. In my Junior Year, I joined Math and Sciences Club. In my Senior Year, I joined Chemistry Club and Student Council. In 2014, I participated National Chemistry Olympiad by Ministry of National Education. I got 1st Place for Chemistry Olympiad Region Surabaya and 1st Place too for Chemistry Olympiad Region East Java. But, unfortunately, in Region Indonesia, I only became finalist. That was one of the saddest moments of my life. In my last year on Senior High, I was chosen as Student of the Year and they even made picture of me in a banner they placed on the school building. I feel so proud but embarrassed too at the same time. And right now, I am in the second semester of my college year in Department of Chemistry at Sepuluh Nopember Institute of Technology, Surabaya.

I like playing computer games a lot, especially DotA 2. I enjoy playing that games because it can improve your analysing skill in real time situation and improve your teamwork. I also like reading, watching movie or anime, writing. My favourite book is Digital Fortress, which was written by Dan Brown. Besides that, I can play badminton well. It mostly due to my parents trained me very hard since I was child. But thanks to that, by playing badminton, I can maintain my body still in shape (since I have another hobby, eating).
Hiddengrace 6 / 118 68  
Feb 18, 2016   #2
Hi there Gilbert!

What is the prompt or instructions for this essay? Are you supposed to write a biography of your entire life? Is it necessary to talk about your playgroup from when you were four and the street you used to live on? If you're supposed to introduce yourself and they don't want a biography, I don't think all of that is necessary. It seems like an introduction should be about who you are now and little bit of your background- like the last few years.

I could be wrong- it depends on what the actual assignment is. Please let us know what the instructions are.
aniani 20 / 20 13  
Feb 18, 2016   #3
Hello Gilbert, let me give some corrections on your essay. Here it goes. :)

My name is Gilbert Widjojo. I am from Indonesia. The name (OF) Gilbert was taken from ... I was born on November 14, 1996, at 00.01 a.m. exactly. I am(AS) the third child of four siblings(children) . My father(father's name) is ... My two older brothers ... who now works at Shangri-La Hotel Surabaya(COMMA) and Ronald Widjojo, S.T. who right(are) now studying at Bandung Institute of Technology for his Magister(Master) Degree. My little sister, Olivia Widjojo, was called by the Lord(died) when she was 21 months old. I spend(spent) my first 2 years ...

In 2014, I participated (in) National Chemistry Olympiad ... But, unfortunately, in (National) Region Indonesia , I only became finalist.
In my last year on(of) Senior High, I was chosen... I feel(felt) so proud but embarrassed too at the same time.

I also like reading, watching movie or anime, (and) writing.

It (is) mostly due to(since) my parents (have) trained me very hard ... But thanks to that, by playing badminton, I can maintain my ...

Pay attention to your punctuation please. Good luck!


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