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Supplement Essay- more about myself (music)


cutiep0chacc0 1 / 1  
Dec 27, 2008   #1
I need to cut this essay by about 30 words. Can someone please help me?

There is no required topic.. it just says to tell more about myself.

My radio vibrated vehemently as David Oistrakh completed the Tchaikovsky Violin Concerto with a triumphant D chord. As the radio DJ announced the next piece, I dreamed of creating these magical sounds. In 6th grade, my aspirations became reality, when I began studying the violin in the middle school orchestra.

Hoping to learn more, I auditioned and was accepted into the Berkeley Youth Orchestra, where I was given a full scholarship for 2 years. Unfortunately, one of the orchestra requirements was to have a private teacher, but my family could not afford music lessons. I called a local teacher to beg for lessons. We settled on a deal: for every hour of yard work, I would receive half an hour of lessons. My family refused to support my pursuit of music education because to them, academics were all that mattered. Music was too important for me to give up, so each week, I walked up the Oakland hills alone with a heavy bag full of music on my back and a violin in my arms.

The exhausting hikes proved to be worthwhile because a year later I was accepted into the Young Musicians Program, an UC Berkeley honors program for low-income students. YMP helped fulfill my music dreams, convinced my parents to support music education, and inspired me to work towards college. My first year of YMP was filled with challenges but I adapted and overcame my stage fright.

As I stepped onto the stage in summer 2006, I confidently held my violin in hand. Though sweat dripped down my forehead and butterflies fluttered in my stomach, I played perfectly the passages that I had spent hours practicing. My fingers danced up and down the fingerboard, my bow moved furiously drawing sound out of the strings, and my muscles flexed expertly as they were trained. I finished the piece with the same triumph David Oistrakh had on the radio, and grinned widely as the audience gave a standing ovation.

I persistently improved my academics, musicianship, citizenship, pushing myself to be the epitome of a YMP student. Impressed with my hard work and dedication, the Director asked me to represent YMP for the Coming Up Taller Award Ceremony at the White House. As I walked toward the East Room's stage of the White House, and watched First Lady Laura Bush smile warmly at me, I felt extremely proud that I was chosen to represent. No longer was I the timid little child, simply able to dream. I turned my dreams into reality, and learned to walk boldly across the stage with my instruments.

After breaking many personal barriers, I have come to understand that with curiosity, passion, and most importantly, ambition, anything is possible. Just 4 years before, I was working in a yard, pulling weeds hoping to learn just a little more about music. Despite my obstacles, I did "come up taller," growing as both a musician and an adult. As I embark on the next stages of my life, I will hold my experiences with music close to heart and be the ambitious, driven, hard-working, and persistent person I have become, ready to face any challenge.

Also, will this fit the prompt : What is an academic experience, project, class or book that has influenced or inspired you?
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Dec 28, 2008   #2
Your family was WRONG to neglect the importance of your flair for music! It might just be the most important thing...

:)

Bad news: This is NOT okay for the prompt about an ACADEMIC experience. Write about a class or book.

Now for the corrections:

My family refused to support my pursuit of music education, because, to them, academics were all that mattered. Music was too important for me to give up, so each week I walked up the Oakland hills alone with a heavy bag full of music on my back and a violin in my arms.

No longer was I the timid little child, able only to dream. I turned my dreams into reality, and I learned to walk boldly across the stage with my instruments.

Wow, this is impressive. Keep up with your music, and incorporate it into your career. I am excited for you!
OP cutiep0chacc0 1 / 1  
Dec 28, 2008   #3
Thank you :) I really appreciate your corrections!


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