"Being myself & Try to help my community" --UC prompt #1

I just finished the rough draft for one of the UC personal statements. Can someone correct it for me? (I know it is really terrible) Thank you guys.

Prompt #1 (freshman applicants)

Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

Living in a traditional Chinese family, my parents always want me to be someone who they can be proud of before their friends and relatives. In their opinion being successful is to be wealthy and educated. However, I have my own definition of success; I will not let others to determine who I am.

My experience of being a volunteer has greatly influenced my values and shaped my aspiration. Starting in my freshman year in high school, I joined a youth program which helps people who live in SRO (Single Occupancy) buildings. While working as a youth volunteer, I have met people from different estates in the society, including poor seniors and helpless immigrants. Most of them lived with untenable living conditions. They share bathroom and kitchen facilities with other tenants. In the hall way, wires and clothes are hung all over the place. The whole family lives in a one single tiny room. Some seniors even live just next to the public garbage can. Because of their lack of English, these tenants can't, or don't dare to ask for any help from the public. After seeing how these people suffer, I have asked myself, "What can I do for my community? How can I bring a change to these people?" Soon afterward, I realized that it is time for me to do something solid for my community. I started using more of my spare time on community service. With the grant from the government, I also created youth projects with other youth leaders to work with the residents and give out various workshops to the SRO families and public. My teammates and I tried to provide a cleaner environment and better living conditions for families who live in the SRO buildings. There is a Chinese proverb called "Happiness just simply comes from helping others." I think it is true because heartwarming smiles from those who are helped always bring me great satisfaction. Despite of getting volunteer experience, I want to get involved, learn and improve my community.

I have struggled between my parents' expectation and my own idea of who I want to be. My parents want me to be a accountant or lawyer in the future like most of my peers do. However, after realizing that my efforts have brought changes to the oppressed people, my determination of being myself was formed. I decided to be someone who can benefit and serve the community in my future. My motivation then leads to my interest in the field of social work and medines. As a immigrant from China, I would like to use my bilingual skills, patience and enthusiasm to solve problems for those who don't dare to speak up for help.

It will not be enough with only ambition and enthusiasm. Education also takes up a big part in establishing my own road of success. That's why I need to go to college. With knowledge and skills, I will be able to pursue my dream and a career that shows who I really am.

Small wording suggestions and corrections:





Medicine is a new concept you introduce here. Do you want to combine the two?
Overall, the only improvement I would like to see is in your last sentence. What is your dream? Describe "a career that shows show I am?

Thank you.
P.S. Will it make the last sentence better if I say " pursue my aspiration " instead?

You can do better. What aspirations? Make what you say inspiring and aspirational. It needs to sum up YOU (in a few words!!)

Okay, I stared at this for a long time trying to figure out the problem. I think the problem is that the intro paragraph needs work. Add another sentence to the end of that first paragraph:

Living in a traditional Chinese family, my parents always want me to be someone who they can be proud of before their friends and relatives. In their opinion being successful is to be wealthy and educated. However, I have my own definition of success; I will not let others to determine who I am. (Add a sentence here that sharpens your thesis and makes it more distinct. Tell the reader about your chosen fields and the specializations that interest you, and then end the paragraph. That way the reader will understand what you are all about and appreciate the rest of the essay even more.)

:-) this is very good! Your sincerity is noticeable in the way you write.