Nagareboshi (Shooting Stars) - Common App Essay Option 1

Hi! This is my first time posting here after lurking around for some time. This essay talks about an event not included in my CV but is sort of like the spark for me to start a club in my school, the Stargazer Society (as below). It's around 430 words... 70 short of the Common App limit. I am replying to Option 1, "Evaluate a significant expereince, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you." Thanks in advance for advice and critiques!

Nagareboshi (Shooting Star)

Darkness sets in, gradually. We were young, innocent and carefree, straining our necks and scanning the night sky, in search of space debris having a death wish and comes plummeting to Earth in a one way trip of no return. In other words, we were watching a meteor shower.

It first started out as some sort of a 'Class of 2009' gathering. Old friends meeting up, chatting and catching up on current events, reminiscing the old schooldays while lying on the tar road and facing towards the night sky. From a distance, I can hear Simpson, now my comrade-in-astronomy, asking newcomers to switch off the car headlights and drive under the waning gibbous moon. 'Our eyes are really capable,' he said, 'evolution isn't just for shows.' Over at the 'dark site', occasional cries and screams of excitement shook the night when some of them spotted a meteor grazing the night sky. It was our first time organizing a star party with a meteor shower, and the guests were enjoying every part of it.

As Earth brought us deeper into Her shadows, the stars also marches through the night sky. Some of us were caught startled, not knowing that stars actually do also rise and set as the Sun does. I was in the know, but was also amazed at the rate the procession goes. Utilising my little bit of knowledge from my days reading astronomy books and surfing websites - what I call the 'armchair astronomer', I showed my schoolmates famous constellations in the night sky, explaining how meteor shower occurs and why does the stars rise and set too. We were witnessing the greatness of Mother Nature, exposing ourselves to the great outdoors and the elements of nature. At that moment, the familiar patterns of stars which I once was so crazy about it long ago, they were calling out to me - under the sky, I felt so at home.

In the blink of an eye, what that was once a traveller of the cosmos, has been incinerated into nothingness. The brilliance of a burning meteor it at once captivating and transient, reflective of the place our lives stands in the course of the Universe's history. We are all equal; we all had a chance to shine. It depends on you and your willingness to strive in the short moment you are in this world, whether to shine as bright as a fireball, or disappear quietly in a faint glow, leaving no trails. I learnt of a universal truth, so simple, so elegant yet so easily forgotten.

And that is why I've founded the Stargazer Society.

Darkness set in, gradually.

We were young, innocent and carefree, straining our necks and scanning the night sky, in search of space debris having a death wish and comesthat was plummeting to Earth in a one way trip of no return.

As Earth brought us deeper into Her shadows, the stars also marched through the night sky.


I think it's better if you write it this way:
Utilizing my little bit of knowledge from being what I call the 'armchair astronomer' - reading astronomy books and surfing websites - I showed my schoolmates famous constellations in the night sky, explaining how meteor shower occurs and why the stars rise and set like the Sun.

At that moment, the familiar patterns of stars which I was once so crazy about it long ago, they were calling out to me; under the sky, I felt so at home.

In the blink of an eye, what that was once a traveller of the cosmos has been incinerated into nothingness.

The brilliance of a burning meteor is at once captivating and transient, reflective of the place our lives stands in the course of the Universe's history.

I learnt of a universal truth, so simple, so elegant yet so easily forgotten.

I love your essay:) It really shows your passion in astronomy. I hope my corrections helped. Review my essays too, please!

Reading your essay makes me envy the fact that i have never had the good fortune of witnessing a meteor shower??
Is it true that wishes made while looking at one come true?? Anyway, coming back to your essay, i just feel as though u can definitely add a bit more introspection at the end of the essay...just talk a bit more as to what gazing at the stars has taught u; since u haven't exceeded the word limit, u have the liberty to add about a 100 words or more and so i will strongly recommend that u make use of them...GOOD JOB AND GOOD LUCK

thanks for your comments on my essay

Thanks helterskelter, I hope my comments in your public health essay helped too :)
maroon5, I was thinking about that too while I was writing. Need some time to articulate that introspection though... thanks for the suggestion!

I revised the essay, corrected grammatical errors (wasn't really careful the last time - what am I doing?) and made some changes in the last paragraph. Do you think it makes more sense now, or it still require further improvements?