Hi heres my essay
I would like to study marketing and business under Professor John Z. Zhang to benefit from his valuable insights. The rise of China as an economic superpower will provide numerous business opportunities for all and I feel that as a Singaporean Chinese, I would be well-suited to link China to the rest of the world.
Zhang is well-versed with the workings of China's market and the decision-making processes of Chinese executives. His knowledge would be invaluable to my future endeavors in China's economic fraternity.
As a maverick, Zhang questioned the traditional Western idea that price wars are detrimental to industries in "The Art of Price War". He also explained the prerequisites of an aggressive pricing strategy. In a world rife with unoriginality and plagiarism, the diversity of views he can offer me would be ideal.
Zhang also proved that warfare is not irrelevant to business. Being very keen in military strategies myself, I look forward to engaging in stimulating discussions with him.
about the last paragraph: this professor mentioned similarities between pricing strategies and Sun Tzu's Art of War in his article "The Art of Price War". As someone who is involved in playing competitive cyber-gaming (real time strategy games related to war), I wonder if this paragraph is appropriate.
it is a good essay
your writing level is way higher than me so you can ignore my comment :)
i think you should add more supports on your main idea. You set out the general statement but i feel that you did not support it strong enough.
About the last paragraph, i think it will appropriate as long as it support the theme and purpose of your essay.
In regards to content, I agree that your essay needs more expansion; you make some good points, but your audience is left with unanswered questions and an unsatisfied, wanting feeling. I think as long as you can make the last paragraph relevant, it would be fine to use.
Mechanically, I have one correction:
..."The Art of Price War."
Sorry to bother you again. I have already reached the 1000 char limit so I hope you can lead me in the right direction as to which parts I should cut and which parts I should elaborate on. Thanks.
I suggest taking out some of the ex tenuous detail and condensing your sentences. For instance, "Zhang questioned the idea that price wars are detrimental to industries in "The Art of Price War". He also explained the prerequisites of an aggressive pricing strategy. The diversity of views he can offer me would be ideal."
See if there are other areas where you think you can remove not-so-important information in order to showcase the more-important-information. It's difficult with such a restrictive character limit, but I think you'll do just fine.