This definitely is not my best..but it was surprisingly difficult to write about the experience...
I'm questionable about the first and last paragraphs especially...should I add another sentence to close with???
Frailty aside, she appeared before us with a smile on her face and a bounce in her step. She was full of energy and wore a leopard shirt with her hair pulled back. With her head held high, she approached the podium. Introducing herself, she said, "My name is Sonia Weitz, and I am a Holocaust survivor".
That day, my Holocaust class and I took our field trip to the Holocaust Center, Boston North to see Sonia speak. We had read her book, "I Promised I Would Tell" and felt compelled to meet her. Sonia speaks to crowds, sharing her story so people can be informed and knowledgeable about the atrocities that happened to her and 6 million others. She speaks in an effort to prevent such barbarities from happening in the future. Sonia's message was simple and clear. She encouraged my class and me to not be bystanders to injustice.
Listening to Sonia speak, I was astonished by not only her strength to share her story, but by her adherence to her honest moral values. Sonia feels that a person has the right to own and share their beliefs, no mater what their beliefs are. It amazes me that someone who has survived 5 concentration camps and had 6 million of their own people annihilated, could even apply such feelings of liberty to people who are prejudice. Because of this, I realized that I should always put bitterness aside when faced with a difficult situation.
After her captivating lecture, Sonia guided us to a new room where we were able to observe art created by other Holocaust survivors. There, many of my classmates as well as me were able to speak to Sonia one-on-one. I learned she is a grandmother and she had similar interests when she was a teen as I do now.
Sonia's spirit influenced me to do good and influence others to do so as well. After that day, I acted upon Sonia's inspiration. I mailed a hand written letter to Barack Obama on the topic of Darfur, urging him to make an effort to end the current genocide. Although I cannot single-handedly end genocide, I do fight injustice. I correct my peers when I hear a racial slur of any sorts made and I stand up for what I believe is right.
Even though I had only been with her a couple hours, Sonia has been a significant influence on my personality. That day, Sonia said, "Don't be a bystander. Everybody has a chance to make a difference". I have taken in Sonia's wisdom and advice and I chose not to be a bystander to injustice.
it is really long
but over all i like the essay
This essay is fairly good to begin with. To improve it, you might want to elaborate on how "I chose not to be a bystander to injustice." In what ways have you fought injustice? How did you act upon Sonia's inspiration?
I understand what you mean!! Sometimes it just does not feel right. Do you play an instrument? Sometimes it takes a while of playing before you get your groove on. Accordingly, write a draft and then go back to the beginning and shave off the warmup. You'll know when the warmup ended, because there is a sentence that feels right:
November 21, 2008, I remember the day precisely. We unloaded the school bus and walked into the Peabody Library. It was a cold day and I could see my own breath. Once inside, we were seated in a small room in which we waited. After almost 15 minutes, she walked in. Frailty aside, she appeared before us with a smile on her face and a bounce in her step.
Right there is where you start writing with rhythm. Same thing at the end:
There have been many people in my life including family, friends, coaches, and teachers that have helped shape the person I am today. Even though I had only been with her a couple hours, Sonia has been a significant influence on my personality.
Shave of the first sentence and connect it this with the previous paragraph. See, this trick works almost every time you think you use it, because deep down you know you had not got your groove on yet! This last sentence I scratched out... doesn't really say anything meaningful (everyone is influenced by many people) because you were just warming up!
Stephen King says: second draft = first draft minus 10%
You are a great writer!!
:] Wow. It's nice to hear that because I'm really self-conscious when it comes to others reading what I write! Thanks everyone. I'm going to rewrite it right now!
Okay, so I think I made the corrections needed...but I can't tell if I only took a step backwards...
What do you think????
This is very nice! I suggest combining the last two paragraphs, but more importantly, I suggest adding a sentence to the end of the first paragraph. This last sentence you add will be like a thesis statement -- and it will be the most important sentence in the essay. Meditate on it for a while and write a sentence at the end of the first paragraph that perfectly captures the way that she influenced you.. what changed in you and why. Sum up the essay in this important sentence at the end of the first paragraph.