Any and all help is supremely appreciated, so thank you!
Prompt #1
Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
For the yearbook's "Senior Hall of Fame," my graduating class had the opportunity to elect those whom they perceived possessed the most luminous grin, the biggest, bounciest hairdo, or the most illustrious sense for all things stylish. I, on the other hand, was hardly one in contention for these superficial definitions. With my luck and limp locks, I could kiss the best hair label goodbye, and I was not much of a contender for prettiest eyes, either. Industrial strength hairspray is not enough to tame my tangled tendrils, and my eyes are black enough to give the dark side of the moon a run for its money. But though I am hardly a conqueror of these appearance-based categories, I did manage to triumph in a title that outshines even the glossiest manes and the most glittering of irises: I was voted as the school's "True Individual."
To have such an honor bestowed upon me left me surprised, stupefied, and speechless. But my parents' have always taught me to stay true to myself, no matter where I wander, or whom I may encounter. Even if my voice shakes like a California tremor, I am to have faith in what I do, wherever I go-high school is no exception.
My parents catalyzed my ambitions; thanks to their advice, I was never afraid to be different or to do what I loved. It didn't matter that the Spanish club was more popular than the French club; I adored the latter and said, "Bonjour!" to escargot. Nor did it faze me to see the popular kids in the stands while I marched with the band; playing the flute excited me more than hooting and hollering with everybody else. I participated in whatever caught my interest: track and field, drama, hiking club, even beatboxing, and ukulele-the sky was the limit. I went after my heart's desires, even if they did not mirror that of everyone else.
In a world as shallow as high school, it's easier to give up and give into the status quo then it is to face the criticism of being different. It's simple to accept someone else's opinion as my own, and to express myself through another's words. But I do not want to live my life as a quotation; my parents' have instilled in me the power to be my own person. Because of their advice, four-hundred senior class students have proclaimed me as their most unique peer; where others strive to fit in, I will stand out-college is no exception.
Wow, this is really well written. It's clever and concise, and flows nicely... hmm...
The only recommendation i would have, is perhaps take that last paragraph just a bit deeper... I mean, its decent as is... but perhaps talk more about your place in the world, and oh, that reminds me, its good to mention a career direction, you don't have to be explicit, like "i want to be a psychologist/whatever. the end." or anything, but you could implicitly say the general direction, e.g., I want to help manifest this quality in others through blah blah, or something like that, i don't know. but i think the UC like to see some sort of direction other than "i want to go to college! :D"
good luck, its almost there, though!! :)
ps- this is totally irrelevant... but is that mentioning of the dark side of the moon a pink floyd reference, or am I just being a nerd? :) [i really like that metaphor, anyways, though, by the way :) ]
My parents catalyzed my ambitions
I would use another word.
This was a really nice approach! Great job with the first paragraph!
However, I agree the ending could be elaborated upon. Also, the last part seems bit tacked on. Don't just say college - be specific. Maybe go into to detail about how you will stand out: Such and Such schools amazing extracurricular activities will allow me to XXX...or I am looking forward to doing some random activity that only your school offers.
Great job!
