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Nanyang: My proudest achievement essay.

sumantneo 5 / 9  
Mar 8, 2009   #1
As I begin to write this essay on the proudest achievement in my life, there are no doubts in my mind that it can be nothing other than that episode of my life where I played the three hours of my best lawn tennis to land my school a national level lawn tennis championship.

It was the summer of 2005 and ...

It needs to be about 250 words...right now it is about 370. Please help!

shine lee 1 / 36  
Mar 8, 2009   #2
Sorry, Kevin. Can I have a word before you? ^^
In my opinion, some sentences of your essay are not connected, a bit confusing. you could make them sound smoothly if you connect them wisely , especially the first sentences. And your style is quite blunt, why don't you make it more graceful? that would be awesome!!

and about the length of the essay, I think you can shorten it by shortening the first sentences. I have to admit that I don't like them ^^.

Good luck!! and your story is great :)
savvy - / 3  
Mar 8, 2009   #3
i suggest u change the openin lines.. its very well written though.. good job!!..it'll prbly be tough to shorten it... nothin rlly seems insignificant.. nd word limit for nanyang essays is 300 words not 250.. i know that coz im writin on the same topic too...
Mustafa1991 8 / 373 4  
Mar 8, 2009   #4
1st line - serious writing doesn't acknowledge itself. that's for kids, kids who are discouraged to do it beginning in high school.

..is no doubt. why use the plural, doubts? it obfuscates your writing and sounds awkward. consider why you would use that idiom to begin with, and you'll concur.

2nd line - "land" is weak, it sounds like something a jock would say. in sports conversations it might be well-suited to the topic for the sake of getting the sports signficance across in an uncomplicated manner, but that's not the case with writing.

you repeated "lawn tennis" in close proximity of each other. change the first utterance "I played the best three hours of lawn tennis" to something more universal. how can you describe this without referring to the fact that you are playing a sport?

From here on - your sentences are jumpy, that is, they don't work together or follow in progression from one another.

choose one aspect that you want to describe and devote at least a few interconnected sentences to it.. this will be the story, the body

good luck
K_Swiss 1 / 9  
Mar 8, 2009   #5
I'm not Kevin but... I think I can help you...

As I begin to write this essay on the proudest achievement ... -- SO WORDY... get to the point...

Use something like...

Practicing, motivation and determination were the key elements that contributed to my success in gaining the national level lawn tennis championship title for my school, which was my greatest victory.

It was the summer of 2005 and I was feeling lucky to be ...

Be more exciting like...

I was honoured and proud to competing with players who share the same passion as I, and to represent my school in a national level tournament in the summer of 2005.

Our team of four blazed through the tournament and suddenly we were up against the hosts, our arch rivals in the final.

a bit bland... you should include rushing adrenaline excited you to compete your arch rivals..

It started with a grueling singles match...
It was all down to just one match, my singles match.

Avoid starting sentences with "it"

Neither me nor anybody else expected anything spectacular from me as I was no more than an amateur as compared to my opponent.

Use better words...f
Reword the bold sentence
Make the following sentence "The first set..." exciting like...
"The first set quickly passed as I thought nothing, but the game.... "

For the last sentence, reword it...
say something like... "As I started to lose confidence, time stood still and I heard my father tell me..."

After that all memory that I have of the match are static images. Images etched ...

run on sentence

The events of that day infused in me confidence and self belief that ...

This last paragraph confuses me. You don't want your readers scratching their heads, do you?[/quote]
The flow of your paper is a bit choppy.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Mar 8, 2009   #6
Hey, yeah, what is up with separating all the sentences at the beginning like that? I like the flow of the beginning, but I think it should all be brought together as one paragraph. Maybe start paragraph2 with:

It started with a...

Only change it to:

The tournament started with a...

ALSO, it would be good to put your thesis sentence at the end of the first paragraph, right after "our arch rivals in the final."

HEY, Mustafa's advice about your first line is great! And I have actually made that mistake in my writing.. I think I just became a better writer because of Mustafa's comment, there. Writing should focus on the subject, not itself! It's like the Zen story about the finger pointing at the moon: Do not miss the moon because of looking at the finger that is pointing to it!

About the rest of the essay: How about less story and more reflection! It is a cool story, but the reader does not really care as much as you do. It is better to tell the story in half the amount of words, and then use the extra space to reflect very thoughtfully and sensibly about that accomplishment, what it teaches about life, practice, and perseverance, you know? Use the extra space to reflect on what it all means, what effect it will have on you, and you can even tie it into your academic and professional aspirations a little.

BTW, I had to remove your original draft so we don't have too much duplicate content. It's okay for you to post a revised draft, though! Start by putting all those sentences from the beginning into one paragraph.
savvy - / 3  
Mar 11, 2009   #7
i thin u can still reword the beginning to make it more interesting.. another thing i didn understand was the end.. u say "Now i realize".. i mean wasnt this match played 4 years ago???. other than that i think it looks pretty good.. although, i admit, im not too good at essays so u should prbly jst wait for the moderators to reply...
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Mar 11, 2009   #8
Nobody expected anything spectacular from me, as I was an amateur compared to my opponent.

(comma above)

Looking great!! Now add a few sentences to make a connection, at the end, with the determination to succeed at this school, etc. Even though they only ask you to talk about this achievement, perhaps you are so focused on your academic aspirations that you cannot help but transition into a discussion of them at the end. How is your intended major going to be like that victory?? :)

Good luck!!
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Mar 13, 2009   #9
Good job on the essay. Kevin is right, though, you should tie your achievement into your educational aspirations in some way. Perhaps you could talk about how you now have confidence in your ability to meet the challenges of university, or some such?

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