the National Achievers Society, My Qualities and Unique Characteristics (UCF Prompt)

Here is my essay for UCF: "What qualities or unique characteristics do you possess that would allow you to contribute to the UCF community?"

University of Central Florida is a remarkable and oustanding university with qualities that I possess and have strived for throughout my years of education. As a past student of two top rated International Baccalaureate schools, and presently a high school student of an exemplified Medical Academy, I have always been placed among demanding and rigorously academic learning. Not only have I learned to be an exceptional learner, but the things taught to me, will continue to benefit me as a leader through the UCF community.

My ambition while attending UCF is to make a difference with my voice. I enjoy giving presentations and speeches. When speaking my voice has a tone that grasp the attention of others, and carries on as a leader. As a commercial once said "When E.F. Hutton speaks, everyone listens." and that will be me. In the UCF community, I want to carry on my leadership as one of the leading voices, a quality I developed through my achievements.

Being inducted into the National Achievers Society, was a great honor bestowed upon me. N.A.S. has greatly enriched my life and my accomplishments. Through this organization I have competed in the FEF Math Bowl team for three years where we placed 4th in two of those years. I am also a member of the Health Occupations Students of America organization, where I placed 1st for two consecutive years in a medical competition. Both of these organizations have played an important part in my achievements in which I look forward to bring to the UCF community.

Please critique my essay. I would really appreciate it.

I have no clue how this happened but the part in the title that says "the National Achievers Society," is not suppose to be there. Please excuse that error.

Your achievements will be helpful but you need to emphasize your characteristics when you mention your strong points.

I think it would be great to use a word other than "learner" here:
Not only have I learned to be an exceptional learner a methodical thinker, but the things taught to me will also continue to benefit me as a leader ...

And number agreemment here:
Both of these organizations have played important parts in facilitating my achievements in which I look forward to bring to the UCF community.

:-)