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The National Honors Society president: Common app "additional info" HELP


Emily Cons 1 / -  
Aug 28, 2010   #1
In Common App the short answers directions are "In the space provided bellow, please elaborate on one of you activities" (extracurricular, personal, or work experience) (150 words or fewer)

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR TAKING THE TIME TO READ THIS! IT IS GREATLY APPRECIATED :)

"By eating our croissants you're feeding the poor." That was French clubs motto every Friday morning for 20 weeks as we stationed in the middle of campus selling croissants. Having the authority to encompass new ideas to the French club as the president I yearned to incorporate the "giving back" mentality using the French culture. Realizing that members were eager to sell for the wrong reasons such as to get their service hours signed away, I decided to bring the club to the program we were donating to helping everyone to realized that our work wasn't just an enticing statement to write on a resume, but a charitable and appreciated deed. The Cooperative Feeding Program, a non-profit hunger organization, was located in a neighborhood rich with poverty. As we entered the facility we were in awe, unaware that such communities existed. Interacting with these people filled with innocence and gratitude we all felt an overwhelming feeling of pride that we had done something to help by donating a check of over $400. My innate desire to help others in need has brought me to becoming a motivated and innovative leader, which will continue to persist through this school year as the National Honors Society president.

What do you think?!

Michael48304 8 / 31  
Aug 28, 2010   #2
"By eating our croissants, you're feeding the poor." That was French club' s motto every Friday morning for 20 weeks as we sold croissants in the middle of campus . As the president of French club , I yearned to incorporate the "giving back" mentality usingof the French culture. I quickly realized some members were only involved to get their community service hours, so I organized a field trip. I decided to bringbroughtthe club to The Cooperative Feeding Program, a non-profit hunger organization, located in a neighborhood stricken with poverty . the program we were donating to helping everyone to realized that our work wasn't just an enticing statement to write on a resume, but a charitable and appreciated deed. As we entered the facility, we were in awe, unaware that such communities existed. Interacting with the people, so filled with innocence and gratitude, we all felt an overwhelming feeling of pride.We had made a difference by donating a check of over $400. My innate desire to help othersthose in need has brought me to becomingmade me become a motivated and innovative leader, which will continue to persist through this school year as I serve as the National Honors Society president.

I made a LOT of changes. I took out a few sentences and fixed a ton of run-ons. Your ideas are good, but your grammar and flow need a lot of work. Because I rewrote so much, I would suggest maybe rewriting again, in your words, but using my edits as a starting point. Good luck!
zengrz - / 92  
Aug 29, 2010   #3
Hi.

I think this is a pretty neat piece of work given the word limit. Michael has made correction to your grammar, other than that it is good.

Realizing that members were eager to sell for the wrong reasons such as to get their service hours signed away, I decided to bring the club to the program we were donating to helping everyone to realized that our work wasn't just an enticing statement to write on a resume, but a charitable and appreciated deed.

It might be a bit controversial but I think instead of comparing your own passion to those of your friends', I suggest you elaborate more about how and why you want to help the people and what does it mean for you. You are a very charitable person, I probably have never done such thing before. lol

G L~
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Aug 30, 2010   #4
instead of comparing your own passion to those of your friends', I suggest you elaborate more about how and why you want to help the people and what does it mean for you.

This is a well-articulated idea... I think it is worth considering. Rey and Michael, thanks for this great work. I am seeing this thread for the first time, and it is already an example of excellent collaboration.

Emily, this is some great writing, and it is an impressive accomplishment. Even though I see what Rey is saying, I also think that the role of the club president is to keep others focused on the right things... so.. this is great, I think!

You use some words a little strangely... you can say: We stationed ourselves in the middle of the... but I don't think "stationed in the middle" is correct. I could be wrong, though.

Michael also caught the misuse of the word encompass. You used it like the word introduce. The scope of the club's focus can encompass several things, but you cannot encompass something to the club.

Anyway, those are small matters. This essay is about something impressive... let's see a new draft with some improvements based on this feedback.

Thanks everyone, you are cool!


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