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the National Society of Black Engineers - extra curricular activities short


Nasir2009 4 / 14  
Jan 26, 2010   #1
The question can be read as thus;
Elaborate on one of my activities( extracurricular activities, personal activities e.t.c)

Please review and make suggestions for the essay Thanks...

I am involved with the National Society of Black Engineers. Its goals are to produce responsible and successful black engineers. I have had the opportunity of being able to attend meetings that are held every two weeks. Here, we ...

here is a modified essay..

I am a proud member of the National Society of Black Engineers. I have had the opportunity to promptly attend biweekly meetings. Here, we promote the increase of African American's graduating from college and also to advise students about distractions and what should not be done to hinder success. It is said that ''there are many doors of success in life to which education holds the key''. It not only helps one get a good job and be successful, it also helps one live a good life in general because knowledge is power and ignorance is one of the world's deadliest diseases. This is what I believe the NSBE organization was created for.
Notoman 20 / 419  
Jan 26, 2010   #2
A couple quick fixes for you:

attend meetings that are held every two weeks.

Consolidate this. Use "biweekly" instead. Also try to put as many words as you can in the active voice. "I attend biweekly meetings" is more active than attending meetings that are held biweekly.

African Americans

Should have a hyphen.

and also to advice students

Advice is a noun, advise is a verb. Take out the word "to" and use advise. Usually, advise is a positive word. I think I would rework this to take out the part about the distractions and keep the focus more positive.

It is said that ''there are many doors of success in life to which education holds the key''.

The quotes aren't really working for me here because it is more of a proverb than a direct quote. In American English, the punctuation goes inside of the quotation marks (but not in British English).
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Jan 28, 2010   #3
How about adding an action verb to that first sentence somehow? It's an opportnity to impress, so don't just say "I am involved with..." ---- say something awesome!

I found a source of intellectual energy with the National Society of Black Engineers.

Also, this sentence is sort of weak and has little meaning: Its goals are to produce responsible and successful black engineers.---------- Maybe his sentence can be excluded. Is refers to goals, but you name only one goal. And it is too obvious.

And I see that Eric caught the problem with advise...

Great, so as you write these essays for college, treat them ike little works of art intended to provide an experience for the reader.
OP Nasir2009 4 / 14  
Jan 29, 2010   #4
Thanks notoman and Kevin.. here is a modified essay..Can u leave yoursuggestions.Thanks
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Jan 30, 2010   #5
I have had the opportunity to promptly attend biweekly meetings where we promote the education of African American students. We encourage them to graduating from college by __________ (how do you do it?). We also to advise students about distractions and what should not be done to hinder success.

How about ending it like this:
This ideal is the purpose for which the NSBE organization was created.


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