I think my essay is fairly good so far but i was just wondering if I could get a little bit more feedback.
As a native Floridian, born and raised just five hours away from Florida State University, I have been influenced by the university and its message virtually my entire life. I have been exemplifying the Vires, Artes and Mores of Florida State University ever since I attended my first Nole's football game and realized FSU is where I wanted to go. Even though I was unaware that Florida State's motto was Vires, Artes and Mores at the time, I've recognized that the values these words represent were already developing within me.
The strength that Vires signifies has been with me from my first days in school and on the playing field and it continues to influence me today. I have used my strengths to accomplish physical and intellectual goals throughout my life - a prime example being when I used the strength of my own will to lose more than 50 pounds so I could physically compete and subsequently make the roster of my high school tennis team. I have also used moral strength to always compete with fairness both in the classroom and also in work and social settings.
The Artes is a more subtle interpretation of accomplishments. As a scholar, I have a great appreciation of the intellectual insights that occur while in the pursuit of a solution to a problem. Whether it's a tough mathematic equation or the construction of a project to visually illustrate a creative idea, it's the mixture of art, skill and intellect that allows such projects to be a success. For instance, on a science project to depict the effects of the "dust storms" in the Dust Bowl era, I used my intellectual and artistic skills to create a town in the region (complete with homes, trees and automobiles) housed inside a clear, enclosed plastic box. I added fine dark sand, drilled a hole in one end and attached a hair-blower tube that, when the blower was turned on, re-created what occurs during a massive dust storm.
The Mores of my life are what have enabled me to develop my Virtes and Artes. Throughout my life I have been pushed by my family's beliefs and traditions to do my best in everything I try. The goals of getting good grades, never giving up and always playing fair are ideals I've grown up with. . The drive for academic excellence plays a large part in my life today and it will continue to do so in my future at FSU, as will my integrity, which has been tested. Being considered a "smart" kid in many of my classes, other students often have asked if they could "cheat" off of me. Every time, I've had the same answer: "No." My character shows through in these situations and allows me to sidestep these attempts to pressure me.
Virtes, Artes and Mores have all played a part in my development as a person - even though I may not have always realized they were in fact always shaping who I am today. These values have allowed me to gain success in my endeavors so far and will inevitably allow me to succeed at Florida State and in my life after college.
The first paragraph is misleading; it made me think that you saw the literal words of Florida State University, but then you said that you didn't know what they meant. You should probably reword that.
This whole essay is way too general. It's better to focus on one of the three rather than skim over them all. You have to give more specific examples, especially for Artes and Mores. How exactly did your family's beliefs influence you? That's what we want to know.
Take the Artes part of your essay -it sounded a bit like you were saying "Artes is embodied in my life because I use Artes-like stuff!"
Your Vires section is more on the right track. If you can't think of good instances or backup for the other two, just focus on that one instead of giving them all minimal attention.
(complete with homes, trees and automobiles) housed inside a clear, enclosed plastic box. I added fine dark sand, drilled a hole in one end and attached a hair-blower tube that, when the blower was turned on,
Delete this part---the details are not necessary--and add 'and' just before the last part. That will help some.
