Just wrote this, I feel it's rather self-indulgent. I'm not too sure if it's actually college essay material due to the theme as well. Opinions?
Prompt: Describe a character in fiction, a historical figure, or a creative work (as in art, music, science, etc.) that has had an influence on you, and explain that influence.
Some men are in another class of being. They bleed confidence after every blow, and command those around them with a rapacious charm. The lords of this world have, throughout history, overtly displayed their larger than life vanities. These men are not just obnoxious; they're so irrationally self-affirming that history cannot help but depict them as titans.
Alexander of Macedonia is one of these colossi. The King of Kings inherited an empire at the age of twenty. Due to his young age, Alexander's subordinates looked upon him with disrespect. This world-bestriding conqueror plowed on through the condescension and malice, turning his empire into one of the largest in history. He marched across the majority of the known world. Yet he refused to stop and be content. The usual fruits of conquest - gold, land, and women - were nothing to him. Alexander the Great only had one aspiration: conquering the world. His ambitious desire not only gave him the goodwill of an entire empire, but also allowed him to conquer armies much larger than his own.
Alexander's ability to overcome the expectations placed upon him, along with his ineffable sense of destiny, both resonate with my own feelings. I feel connected to the world. I see myself in the people I know, in the places I have been, even in the elements. These reflections of me all impart the same message: I was born to change this world. While my delusions are not as radical those of Alexander, I still feel an innate drive to become something greater than myself. And I know that there is no one who can motivate me but myself. To avoid stagnation, to achieve my dream, I must push myself past contentment and aggressively seek out obstacles, just as Alexander had.
Two weeks ago I squatted 225 pounds. This week I read Jean-Paul Sartre's works. This afternoon I started conversations with seven strangers. The fate I feel laughed. These small challenges are nothing for one with my will. After all, life itself is a risk - fortune favors the bold, not the ignorant. Success or failure will make little difference to me, for success is not the goal: the world is.
College is the largest of the obstacles I seek. There, my thought and emotions shall spread as I meet others. My passion will affect those around me. My resilience will keep me working hard. The experience I gain as I change the campus will be invaluable in changing the world.
Compared to the globe, I am nothing but a tiny little dot. But one day, with this miniscule body, I will surpass this planet - and that excites me. It makes the blood in my chest beat faster and faster. It tells me that, despite knowing how small I am, I will struggle to reach heights greater than I can imagine. It is an endless dream; one that shall one day shake the world.
They bleed confidence after every blow, and command those around them with a rapacious charm. The lords of this world have, throughout history, overtly displayed their larger than life vanities. These men are not just obnoxious; they're so irrationally self-affirming that history cannot help but depict them as titans.
This was amazing. You have a strong set-up for the rest of your essay.
Alexander of Macedonia is one of these colossi
This world-bestriding conqueror plowed on through the condescension and malice
Cut down on the vocab, sound too thesaurus-driven and clouds the real meaning of the sentences. :)
I will surpass this planet - and that excites me.
I think "and that excites me" is unnecessary.
It makes the blood in my chest beat faster and faster.
Beat isn't a good action verb for blood. Use something else.
You have a written great essay. Best of luck :))
Please help me on my essay too. :)
I agree with lethalityKD's comment about being thesaurus-driven. Even if you didn't use a thesaurus, the vocab is a little overwhelming.
The tone of the essay is very dramatic but I like it; you sound ambitions but not arrogant.
I would change this sentence:
College is the largest of the obstacles I seek.
I dont think college is the largest obstacle because you intend on conquering, metaphorically, the world! It's definitely not so you might want to rephrase that to something like a stepping stone.
Good work, I mean it.
