Hey guys~~ actually I have been working on this essay to apply for Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute for weeks, but my mind is so blank and now it refuses to work anymore.
So I need your help~ I am not really satisfied with what I got here. But I have problems figuring out how to improve it..I mean on the content wise. I think the language I got here is too bland and the not conveying too much information. So pls readers..any advice about how to make the two pieces better is HIGH APPRECIATED!!!!
note: the essay does not have a specific question, just a Personal statement plus a short explanation about why I first became interested in RPI.
Personal Statement(1-2page)
"What are you doing? It's already 12 o'clock."
"Shhh ... I'm trying to solve this math problem. Almost done."
This perhaps is the dialogue most frequently heard in our home. Since young, my best friends were neither Barbie dolls or the Twilight series, but math and natural sciences. Even before I could read, I would ask my chemistry-teacher mother every night to read me an entry from China Children's Encyclopedia. No matter whether it is an eclipse or a tsunami we were reading about, I always wanted to examine the reasons and find out the underlying principle of such amazing phenomena.
To me, the most amazing subject that human intelligence ever created is Mathematics, for its beauty boasts no embellishment, but simplicity and purity to their core. As soon as I started learning Euclid's geometry, I was simply amazed how from a few initially stipulated axioms one could develop a fairly complex, yet absolutely logical and harmonious theory. At school, as the top math student, I was selected in the math Olympiad team. By investigating with my teammates on projects that were both interesting and challenging, I was able to see how an abstruse model could be used to solve an array of practical problems. To me, the joy of solving a formidable problem after a meticulous contemplation is unparalleled. Bit by bit, the further I have gone in my math education, the more I have come to realize that mathematical puzzles and problems are omnipresent in every single field - from computer science, aerospace engineering, to finance and actuary. Many sciences and technologies that are normally interpreted as formidable and scared many away, have always been enticing to me.
I love natural science, for it constantly motivates me to inspect many interesting topics in daily life. Once, when my father was pouring his favorite red wine, the berry-like aroma from the glass wafted over to where I was sitting; immediately my curiosity was kindled. I simply had to find out how to turn the sweet grapes into this dark, aromatic drink. The extensive reading and researching finally led me to start my own wine-making project in the backyard with my father. At first, our product was not so successful, but father encouraged me to treat this experience like any other science experiment. "Be patient and never fear failure," he said. However, after times and times of experiment, we still could not figure out the best sugar/grape balance to improve the flavor and taste of wine. But we never thought of giving up. Finally when the first bottle of drinkable wine was produced, I tasted not only the sweetness in every sip of wine, but also the sweetness by learning how to turn an idea into experiment and how to obtain the hand-on skills through continuous practices and a persistent will.
In addition to excelling academically in my high school, I have been active involved in a variety of extra-curricular activities, some of which I have had to dedicate myself for years. I participated in the School debate team and led the team to the semi-final in Asian Bilingual Debate in Singapore. I choreographed group dances for school events and served as class president since freshmen year. In weekends, I become a volunteer tour guide in Provincial Museum, bringing the visitors back to the thousands years of Chinese history through my vivid explanation. In summer, I served as assistant director in the Weland Model United Nations Conference in Beijing. All these busy schedules not only allow me to delve into various interests and hobbies, but also help build my communication and leadership skills and make friends with people all around the world.
Now I see myself in the next four years, I see a girl with a dedicated mind to devote herself in the love of numbers, natural phenomena, and people. Someday in future, I hope my passion in math and science could lead me even further to uncover more secrets about the world around us, just like those predecessors who calculated out the position of Neptune on draft papers, or those who found Golden Section and Fibonacci Sequence in sunflower and conch.
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Why are you interested in Rensselaer?
My journey of discovery of Rensselaer began with my curiosity being piqued by the heraldic design of the Institute's coat of arms, especially the surveyor's levelling rod on the center charge of the escutcheon. What is the symbolic significance of the number 3 in the target?
This question led me to an exhaustive Internet search, where I came across some very esoteric definitions of the symbolism of 3. Although I do not pretend to fully understand much of these explanations, I was, however, particularly attracted by the explanation that "the number 3 is represented by a plane, is composed of unity and diversity, and restores them to harmony"
Should the 3 in the surveyor's target have the above symbolic meaning, and coupled with its motto of "Knowledge and Thoroughness" Rensselaer then offers an environment of harmony for the diversity of the intellectual pursuits of its students - an environment in which I believe I could flourish.
All of the above convince me that Rensellaar Polytechnic Institute would be the place where each spark of innovative thinking generated by its students would be appreciated, amplified and, eventually, realized. I desire to explore my interest in math in the nation's premier applied mathematics program; to participate in research with the Center for Industrial Innovation, and to hone my management and leadership skills in hands-on co-op placements. To me, the emphasis on details and the encouragement of perfection are what make Rensselaer one of the best science and technology institutes. I believe this would also be the place for me to become a meticulous and detail-oriented professional, to keep advancing and perfecting myself in the future pursuit in maths and sciences.
(224 WORDS)
You should add a little personality to the start, add something unique not some generic dialogue .
This perhaps is the dialogue most frequently heard in our home.
most frequently heard dialogue in our home, sounds better
Once, when my father was pouring his favorite red wine, the berry-like aroma from the glass wafted over to where I was sitting; immediately my curiosity was kindled.
The semi-colon is wrong
for its beauty boasts no embellishment, but simplicity and purity to their core.
You need to frame it better, i like the idea though.
Your ideas and stories are good, but the overall essay could be much better. The structure of sentences and the essays needs improvement. I suggest you read it aloud and proofread.
Good Luck
