Hey everyone. This is my Common App Essay. PLEASE BE SUPER CRITICAL!!! I'm applying to very tough colleges like Yale, Princeton, Early Action Georgetown and Tufts so please give me some feedback. I really need it. Thanks so much!
Here's the essay:
Prompt: Topic of Your Choice
"Que delicioso! This is delicious!" exclaimed German through a half-open mouthful of Popeye's Spicy Chicken. Our little habit of speaking in both English and Spanish to improve our respective proficiencies in our non-native tongues hadn't left us since we left Spain nearly 11 hours before. As we ate inside that stuffy, greasy Dallas Airport Popeye's, we both secretly thought of the adventure that lay ahead of us in my hometown of Portland, Oregon and the adventures we had already experienced in Torrelaguna, Spain where German lived. The air nearly vibrated with the excitement that emanated from our anxious, twitching legs. I use the word anxious rather than eager (which is a pet peeve of mine when people mix the two words up) because of the fact that we were travelling alone. No annoying parents or watchful escorts; it was just the two of us on our own escapade exploring what would normally be a boring big-city airport. A little nervousness is to be expected in two thirteen year-olds under these circumstances.
Looking back on that experience, I realize from the moment we stepped into that Popeye's, we had already made Rookie Mistake #1: Stuffing our yearning bellies before going to the gate first. Although I learned from the very best, my father, who was an expert traveler/company man, I still made an egregious mistake that would end up in German and me missing our flight.
See the thing is, I was a veteran traveler like my father, or so I thought. Despite my meager 13 years of life, I had already travelled internationally by myself three times and had the childish orgeueil to match. This arrogance led me to believe myself infallible, even though my stomach started to bubble uncomfortably as we walked towards our gate. I thought it just the after-effects of the chicken and paid it no attention.
As soon as we got there though, I knew something was wrong. First off, there were only a few people scattered around here and there instead of the regular hustle and bustle expected of a gate half an hour before boarding. Secondly, there weren't any gate attendants. German shot me a nervous glance and said "Hey tio, no hay nadie aqui. There's nobody here. " I reassured him and told him that we would just wait around until the gate agents came and started boarding people.
After half an hour of waiting, I finally realized that it was time to take action. I walked over to the nearest flight attendant to find her in the midst of a heated argument with a middle aged Chinese woman who was screaming her head off about how terrible Delta (my flight company) was and even blamed the poor flight attendant for her current predicament. After she left, I approached the flight attendant and shyly inquired without a hint of my previous bravado "Excuse me Ma'am, but do you know when Flight XXX was supposed to depart?" She confirmed the secret fear that was growing in the pit of my stomach and German, who was quietly standing next to me, started to cry.
The reason German broke down was not only because he was a foreigner in a different land, but also because he had to spend the night in Dallas the year before as well. This was hands down the worst mistake I had ever made up to that point. Being the wise guy that I was as a kid, I always found a way to reduce my culpability in a mistake by assigning partial blame to someone else. "You didn't tell me to do that," "He started it," and "She said to do it," were kind of go to phrases of mine. With this mistake though, I had no easy out. It was completely my fault. My friend German was a visitor to this country and my parents, his parents, and he himself expected me to guide him home safely. I had failed this one simple duty tremendously.
As soon as I saw German start crying though, my head became clear and I stopped thinking at a million miles an hour. I knew then and there that in order to reassure my frightened friend, I at least had to appear confident and in charge. I steadied my breathing and calmly turned to the flight attendant and asked her to put us on the next flight out to Portland. When she replied that the next flight was in the morning, I asked her to put us in a hotel for the night and arrange some sort of transportation. In the end, we ended up catching the flight perfectly on time the next morning.
This experience helped me realize that I, like any other human being, am not invincible. No matter how experienced or knowledgeable I think I am, I can't underestimate any challenge I face. I also learned that people are much more likely to help you when you remain calm, polite, and nice when you deal with them. My mom later told me that normally if you miss a flight due to your own actions, you have to pay for the hotel. I think the flight attendant appreciated my gentle words and I'm guessing German's tears also moved her to pity us two thirteen year olds. Despite everything that happened and the absolute tongue-lashing I got from my parents, I'm grateful for this mistake. I learned a lot and I think it was really a bonding experience with German. Besides, as my parents say, these kinds of experiences just part of the nature of travel.
Well, ask yourself what it all amounts to. To me, this amounts to a demonstration of your ability to think and write very well, so you have half the battle won already. Also, for the record I want to say I think it is a great essay already (Though I would divide the first paragraph into 2 paragraphs to easy the reader's process).
If you really want harsh criticism, I'll tell you that conceptually it only amounts to a wake-up call "I am not invincible." The same thing happened to me after a car accident. The same thing happens to everyone. Therefore, conceptually you did not accomplish much. Can you make this story a metaphor or allegory to express some truth that is fundamental to your college/ career plan?
