Hello again, folks! My final admissions essay - hopefully ever, is currently on my desk and is being revised for the third time. It needs a new set of eyes (or several!) as I've gotten to the point where I cannot find a fault in my own writing (though there likely is plenty). I'd appreciate any help you can give!
Also, I am currently four words over limit. Omission is a very hard decision...
In a well-organized essay of 300 to 500 words, please discuss the following:
(1) Describe what led to your initial interest in the naval service and how the Naval Academy will help you achieve your long range goals, and
(2) Describe a personal experience you have had which you feel has contributed to your own character development and integrity.
In sixth grade, I took Tom Clancy's The Hunt for Red October from my father's bookcase. Jack Ryan, a former Naval officer turned CIA analyst discovers a prototype Soviet nuclear missile submarine driven by a nearly silent propulsion system, whose Captain wishes to defect to the United States. Although a work of fiction, the book is filled with nautical miscellany so accurate there are admirals in the Naval Department who still believe Clancy had access to top secret materials. The book inspired me to look into naval history and a Navy career. Jack Ryan supposedly attained his education from the United States Naval Academy, sparking me to research following in the fictional Ryan's footsteps.
The excellence of a military Academy's education has always been espoused by Colonel **** ********, himself an Air Force Academy graduate, my Air Force Junior Reserve Officer Training Corps Senior Aerospace Science Instructor, and most involved mentor. Prior to junior year, I had never considered myself competitive for an Annapolis appointment until Colonel ******** invested his time and effort in me. He expanded my horizons in all areas, specifically; academic, physical, and moralistic. Before Colonel ********'s mentorship, I was an average "B" student in most subjects with no ambitions. Afterwards, in my junior and senior years, I became very academically strong and driven. Math, which was formerly my worst subject, became one of my strongest. My senior year math classes were nothing like my previous performances, as I actually did well. Colonel ******** has essentially assuaged my largest academic issues that had plagued me since elementary school with a no more than five minute pep-talk on my military future.
However, Colonel ******** could not change the past. I had not performed as well as possible and I did not play a varsity sport. The closest thing I had to a team was the AFJROTC Drill Team, which I led for two years. As a group, AFJROTC plays second fiddle to all athletics and clubs at the high school. We spent more time practicing in the school parking lot over winter than the football team spent on the practice field throughout their entire season. All of our diligent work paid off, and both years we placed first in the bi-state metro area, upsetting the region's other teams due to our relative recent arrival to the competitive circuit. Of all high school experiences, my work with the drill team sculpted me the most. The time I spent working with them taught me the lessons of patience and endurance with subordinates. Diplomacy and mediation soon became the tools of the trade, and those skills continue with me today. Especially important was the gaining of leadership experience, a skill which cannot be undervalued.
Captain Michael D. Abrashoff's leadership theory teaches that to be a more effective leader, you must devote yourself to your followers. Colonel ******** exemplified this with his investment in me. Without Colonel ******** or AFJROTC, I would not have a hope to be qualified for Annapolis whatsoever - academically, physically, or mentally.
essentially assuaged my largest academic issues that had plagued me since elementary school with a no more than five minute pep-talk on my military future.
This is explained very well! You are a good writer.
I wonder if a fictitious character is the best reason for a career choice. You write so well, maybe it is the writing and not the navy that appealed to you!
Especially important was the gaining of leadership experience, a skill which s
hould no t be undervalued. ---- if you write "cannot be undervalued," it seems wrong, because of people say things like "cannot be overemphasized."
...must devote yourself to your followers----much has been written about this in research literature. You could cite a research article about "servant leadership" if you want to add a little to that conclusion paragraph.
This is great, well written...
