"The Naval Service Interest" - must i elaborate more?

USNA-
(1) Describe what led to your initial interest in the naval service and how the Naval Academy will help you achieve your long range goals, and

(2) Describe a personal experience you have had which you feel has contributed to your own character development and integrity.
between 300 and 500 words
current word count 374

Men have had the thirst for war ever since the beginning of civilizations and tribes. Some call this primal instinct savage and outdated. However, I argue that this urge to defend and to protect is the very pinnacle of human life. Whether it is in a petty street gang or the mighty United States Navy, the feeling of being a part of something bigger than one's self draws a certain dedication only found in a warrior. This loyalty and commitment can be to a great nation or just to your best friend standing beside you in combat, but I believe that this absolute dedication brings its holder into a state of perfect euphoria, making it the ultimate goal in a person's life.

I have always been drawn to loyalty, dedication, and a team aspect. My observations of my 5th and 6th grade football teams had always fallen short of these criteria. Even my several track teams were not as dedicated and tight-knit as what I was seeking. But, when I was introduced to the swimming world, I felt right at home. The motto of the Nashville Aquatic Club is Tradition, Dedication, Excellence and that's exactly what it was. I found people like me who were unconditionally loyal and dedicated to the team and the sport. We worked everyday together through the thick and the thin. From this unanimous dedication came steadfast friendships locked with the wrought iron chains of loyalty. I thought this was the ultimate how could it get any better? Fortunately though, I was wrong. The United States Naval Academy entered my life early my junior year in my search for colleges. No other college had ever appealed to me the way the Academy had. When I looked into this amazing institution, I realized only here could I quench my unwavering thirst for loyalty and dedication. I discovered with great excitement that the devotion I had experience with NAC was only the tip of the iceberg.

every day ---- 2 separate words unless you are using it as an adjective.

How do you know it is the ultimate goal, and how do you know euphoria is what makes something significant?

I think I might know what you mean, but it needs to be expressed better...


You should not write a sentence this way, because it reflects a desire for loyalty and dedication independent of a cause... do you know what I mean? You need a cause that comes before loyalty, etc. Well, it seems that way...

:-)