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Nazih's Death - Experience that shows your ability to succeed at Penn State.


MirayPhilips 5 / 37  
Dec 14, 2010   #1
Please tell us something about yourself, your experiences, or activities that you believe would reflect positively on your ability to succeed at Penn State. This is your opportunity to tell us something about yourself that is not already reflected in your application or academic records. We suggest a limit of 500 words or fewer.

This is 514 words, any suggestions which bit I could cut down further?

Several years ago, my family decided that we should meet up with our close relatives in Trento, Italy to spend our summer together. Seeing my aunt Amany, her husband Nazih, and my cousin Nagy, in an immaculate place made me believe that this was destined to be the best holiday I ever had. I was wrong.

Only a couple of days into the week, we were at home when suddenly my cousin screamed my parent's names in distress. My Uncle had fainted and as both my parents are doctors they immediately gave him sugar believing he only fainted from exhaustion. My uncle then collapsed in my mother's arms, had a seizure and went pale; deathly pale. My parents performed CPR immediately, while my aunt was screaming for someone to call the ambulance. I was shocked, standing obscured behind a wall trying so hard not to see my uncle die, and yet, trying not to be overwhelmed by the fact that I could not do anything to help but stand quietly and not get in anyone's way. I curled up in a corner drowning in my own puddle of tears, saying a little prayer and hoping desperately that he would be able to come back home with us. I was wrong. Again.

Nazih passed away on the 24th of June 2006 on a chilly night in Italy. Watching someone die at the age of 12, not to mention coming to terms with a death in the family, is not an experience anyone should go through, but it is definitely an experience that has scarred my way of thinking. After this tragic experience I became more considerate of people's feelings, realizing that one may have a problem that they do not want to speak about and therefore needs a gentle approach. This will definitely be useful in my first year of University because by being more aware of people's feelings I can easily make friends at a time when almost everyone feels homesick. I also realized that I was not making the most out of my life and so I assigned my unique qualities to activities that would benefit my community and I hope to carry on with this in Penn State by joining activities that will make me an asset to the university. I also realized that the biggest problem in my naïve world should not be a B on my French exam or being told off by my teacher for forgetting homework, but in fact, people go through bigger problems like dealing with terminal diseases, divorced parents or even cataclysmic wars.

Most importantly, I learnt that one can either allow a terrible event to envelop him with depression or rather, learn from it, accept it and get inspired by it; I chose acceptance and inspiration. With this new positive outlook on life, I believe I can succeed at Penn State as I will not allow myself to get crippled by being so far away from home, the different type of culture or the endless amount of work I will have to keep up with.

Any feedback wil be appreciated! Is this good enough? Do I answer the question properly?
Thank you :)
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Dec 25, 2010   #2
This is an intriguing idea... taking inspiration from tragedy. Coping, sure, but taking inspiration from it... this is a very interesting theme!

Here is a sentence I don't like:
Watching someone die at the age of 12, ----unclear
not to mention coming to terms with a death in the family, ---- vague, unnecessary
is not an experience anyone should go through, ----but everyone does go through it, at various ages, so it is a little bit common, and you should not make too much of it.

but it is definitely an experience that has scarred my way of thinking. ---- Scar implies permanence...

You are a great writer. I guess my criticism has to be that the essay is not complicated enough. You expounded a simple theme in a complex way. I think you can add another dimension to the essay, or take it a step further.

Say something about the implications of the truth of the essay.

thanks for helping so many people at EssayForum in the past few weeks, Miray!
OP MirayPhilips 5 / 37  
Dec 27, 2010   #3
Hello Kevin! Thank you for editing this. :) I already sent it in though...

And your welcome, I quite enjoy this! :)


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