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Essay for UT: "neighbor" named Nora; who has made an impact on your life


LChase 2 / 3  
Dec 13, 2009   #1
Hi,

The promt is:

Write an essay in which you tell us about someone who has made an impact on your life and explain how and why this person is important.

I am a cancer survivor and wrote my essay on one of the friends I met at the Children's Cancer Hospital at MD Anderson. I would like to know if its on point or strays from the prompt and if there is anything I could do to improve it. Also is it too long? It is about 730 words. The paragraphs are seperated by the double spaces.

Thank you so much.

Here is my essay:

I remember when my life was unexpectedly changed for the better very vividly. I was coming back from my nightly walk around the G-9 inpatient unit of M.D. Anderson. I was almost back to my room, where I had been living for nearly a month, when I noticed that the room next to me was now occupied. As I got closer, I noticed she was a young petit girl with dark hair and an olive complexion. I would learn in the coming weeks that my new "neighbor" was named Nora. She was only twelve years old, but she would leave a lasting impression upon me that I will never forget.

I was a newly diagnosed patient at the Children's Cancer Hospital, and Nora was a veteran of nearly ten years. She had been diagnosed with Acute Myeloid Leukemia when she was just two years old and since then she had relapsed two times and endured one stem cell transplant. Unfortunately, she wasn't back this time for routine tests, but because she had relapsed again for the third time. She would need another stem cell transplant.

To most this would come as a devastating shock, but Nora was different. She responded to the news of her relapse with, "Okay, what do we need to do now to beat it?" That was just Nora. Her demeanor was always positive and delightful. Her spirit was unbreakable. Every single day she would find hundreds of things to be thankful for amidst all her misfortunes. Brave didn't even begin to describe her in any sense. She had a cheerful attitude, instinctive kindness, and sincere nature that put a spark and energy into the lives of those whom she touched. Her laugh was so infectious, just the sound of it would make you smile uncontrollably. She always said please and thank you, even when it was to a nurse giving her a shot. Nora loved video games, especially Rock Band, which we would play into all hours of the night despite our nurses yelling at us to get back to our rooms and to go to sleep. There was a defining point in our relationship where I realized I was not talking to a twelve year old, but a thirty year old trapped in a twelve year olds body. I recall asking her if she was worried about undergoing such a risky treatment, and she replied with, "Worry? I don't like the word worry. I never worry because it gets you no where. If I worry, it won't change the fact that my cancer is back. It's completely useless and pointless." From that point on, I adopted her quote as my motto. It couldn't be more true. Worrying wouldn't change the fact that I had cancer, and it sure would not make it disappear. Nora had courage that most people strive for, but never attain. She made sure she never left anyone without a smile. Her example pushed me to become the person I am today and taught me to take as much as you can from every single day because you never know when it could all end.

Despite all her effort and while enduring high dose chemotherapy and a stem cell transplant, Nora passed away. In her death that I realized she and so many others like her had fought so hard their whole entire life and in the end lost. It was from that moment that I began to make every single moment count for every single child that had fought so bravely for so long, but in the end lost their battle with cancer. I know what a luxury life is now thanks to them. I was suddenly so thankful, even for the privilege to have my intense chemotherapy treatments, something I typically would dread. She has completely changed my outlook on life, for the better. I was once bitter that I had Lymphoma, but am now thankful, because without it I would have never met Nora. I can now be truly happy with myself and my life.

Although our friendship was short lived, she has inspired me for the rest of my life. Never will I take advantage of life again. I am now on a mission to live my life to the fullest, inspire all of those around me with my enthusiasm for life, and to appreciate every moment just as it is.

SouthernBella 1 / 5  
Dec 13, 2009   #2
Hello Lindsey,

This is heart touching story that shows how mature, strong, and brave you are. I believe it is on point and well written. There are few corrections:

take out the very before vividly- using the word vividly already conveys that you remember extremely clearly, very is not necessary.

Add hospital after M.D. Anderson, just for clarity.

This sentence is too long (run on??) and can be worded somewhat better: I was coming back from my nightly walk around the G-9 inpatient unit of M.D. Anderson. I was almost back to my room, where I had been living for nearly a month, when I noticed that the room next to me was now occupied.

Maybe try something like: I dreaded when it came time to perform my required walk around the G-9 inpatient unit of M.D. Anderson hospital. Excited to be returning to my room, although it had been my home for nearly a month, I noted that the room next to mine was now occupied.

You can come up with something better- I just wanted you to see what I meant about shifting it around.

comma after two years old.

I wouldn't put neighbor in quotes.

you will never forgot a lasting impression- reword or cut 'never forget'

Get rid of all of your contractions- couldn't, didn't, etc. unless they are a quote from Nora.

It was from that moment that I began to make every single moment count.I wanted to live my life as a memorial to every single child that had fought cancer so bravely for so long , but in the end lost their battle with cancer.

I know what a luxury life is now thanks to them Nora. I was suddenly so thankful, even for the privilege to have my intense for my chemotherapy treatments, something I typically would dread. She Nora has completely changed my outlook on life, for the better. I was once bitter that I had Lymphoma, but am now thankful to have had it aswithout it I would have never metcancer allowed me the opportunity to meet Nora. Knowing that I have battled this disease as bravely as Nora I can now be truly happy with myself and my life.

Never will I take advantage of life again. -I'm not sure you mean this. I think you mean that you will do you best to take advantage of life.

I am now on a mission to live my life to the fullest, inspire all of those around me with my enthusiasm for life , and to appreciate every moment just as it is.

So I know it seems like a lot of corrections, but I tried to be picky as this is an admissions essay. I hope this helps!

On a side note: My mom as non-hodgkins lymphoma, so I have witnessed what you have endured, and truely respect you not only because you have bravely battled this disease, but also because you are still positive and excited about life.

Good luck!

Toni


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