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The neighborhood I grew up in (grateful for the great influences and for my parents for being there)

cristina2018 1 / -  
Jun 22, 2018   #1
I had to do an Intern essay for a program I'm in on the following prompt. Its also a undergraduate prompt that i could use for college.

What was the environment in which you were raised?

Describe your family, home, neighborhood or community, and explain how it has shaped you as a person.

It would be great if i got your feedback and advice on it.

"Success is walking from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm." This quote from Winston Churchill has had plenty of impact in my life. To my understanding, this quote is saying to never give up or lose hope on whatever it is you are trying to succeed. There has been numerous times where I've given up, but I came to my senses once I came across that quote. If i were to give up, I most likely would not be sitting here writing an essay for college, but with the motivation my friends and family have given me I have been able to be successful throughout my life.

At an early age, i faced many struggles from not having a good relationship with my mom to stressing about school and keeping my dad satisfied. One of my main priorities has been to always do what my dad says. Both my mom and dad came here for better opportunities that would not just benefit them, but also their children. It was a tough journey for both of them, but they say that if they were able to be successful I can too. They constantly remind me that I should never give up on something i want because the struggle in the end will be worth it. So far, they have been right.

My dad has always been my biggest critic. It is true that words have energy and power, I say this because my dad would never lie to me. He always told me the truth about what he thought about me or what i was doing. Sometimes the words he used hurt, but my mom said he says it because he wants me to be in the right path in life. Ever since i can remember I've always put an effort into satisfying my dad. To this day, I'm still not sure why but maybe it's because I've always had a closer bond to him than my mom. My dad is always telling me right from wrong. Even though growing up his personality was very real and strong, i have learned to cope with it since he is a very traditional hispanic father.

My family and community have shaped me into the person I am today by observing and having different experiences. I have learned many skills from them especially with my brother. My brother has down syndrome and i have learned to be patient with him. He is the one i would do anything for to keep him happy. I have always loved being apart of my community and help conserve it. My community has had a huge impact in my life ,due to the fact, that i have made new connections. It also makes me feel productive and happy knowing i have done something to help my community.

In the end, I am so grateful for the influences i have had in my life and thankful for my parents for being there every step of the way. I am so glad they have been my number one supporters. I wouldn't trade them for the world.

Holt [Contributor] - / 7,832 2126  
Jun 23, 2018   #2
Ana, I feel like this essay focuses too much on you trying to please your parents, without really explaining how their influence has helped to shape you as a person. Aside from trying to constantly please your parents, what else do you do in life in relation to your personal development with your family as your main support group? How has trying to please your father helped you develop into a person that the college reviewer might view as an admirable person? How does your problematic relationship with your mother represent a facet of development in your personality? How has this conflict help you become a better person and why?

The quote you chose is interesting, but I do not think that it is applicable in this instance. Where does the failure to failure on your part come in? Where is the enthusiasm? Perhaps it would be better to skip the quote just to avoid confusing the reader? Focus on your family relationship and dynamic instead. Start from a specific age, not "from an early age" because that phrase does not make any sense to the reviewer. It would be better if you don't mention any age at all. Just discuss as you would with a person in a normal setting. The reviewers consider those types of phrases exaggerations anyway. It is a phrase that doesn't help your essay move forward.

In the end, I learned a lot about your family but very little about who you became because of the series of interactions you represented in the essay. Who are you? That is the main question you have to answer. Why did your family experience make you that way? How did you use their influence to positively develop as a person?

Don't suddenly throw in the community as a reference towards the end of the essay. You did not really mention anything about the community early on so their inclusion towards the end is out of place and confuses your overall presentation.

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