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Nelson Mandela; Common App- historical figure

kimmie11194 1 / 1  
Dec 26, 2011   #1
Describe a character in fiction, a historical figure, or a creative work (as in art, music, science, etc.) that has had an influence on you, and explain that influence.

Nelson Mandela. He was a social activist, Nobel Peace Prize winner, and former President of South Africa. He fought against Apartheid in South Africa and was convicted for sabotage and treason of the South African Government. He was in jail for 27 years and became known as the most significant black leader in South Africa. When he was released he was able to negotiate multi-racial democracy in South Africa and was later elected as President. While he was president, he worked to improve the relationship between black and white citizens, and fight against the inequality and poverty in South Africa.

Nelson Mandela has had a positive influence on me because he has the qualities that I see in myself. He is caring, assertive, driven, audacious, and gregarious. Nelson Mandela stood for what he believed which is similar to myself and also piques my interest in debate.. Not only did Nelson Mandela fight for equal rights, he also fought for better healthcare for the people of South Africa. That quality is very similar to myself which is why I want to go into the practice of medicine.

Like Nelson Mandela, I care about the welfare of people, and want to help them to the best of my abilities. He has influenced me to enter the medical field because I know that in that profession, I can help people directly and make a change in someone's life. His assertiveness has also inspired me to also become motivated in debate as well. The fact that he stood up for what he believed in, makes me want to participate in something that will let me be able to express my viewpoint and why I believe that.

*I wrote this but I'm not too sure about it and what I should do to fix it or change it...

makman09 9 / 86  
Dec 26, 2011   #2
Your essay has the wrong focus. You focus on Mandela 70 percent of the time while you focus on yourself 30 percent of the time. The admission readers don't want a story about Mandela. They want a story about you. Condense on what you have to say about Mandela and instead of talking about all of his qualities, focus one of his qualities that is significant to you and then discuss how that quality appeals to you. How did it influence you. If you focus more on how he influenced you, then you'll answer the prompt and the essay will be strong.
easyfu 3 / 18  
Dec 26, 2011   #3
has the wrong focus

agree.Talk more on what u get from his story or your change
jayelectrolosis 7 / 18  
Dec 26, 2011   #4
Yeah, it's a very generic topic, too. The first paragraph is by and large unnecessary -- it's basically an autobiography of Mandela, not something the admission officers are interested in.
OP kimmie11194 1 / 1  
Dec 27, 2011   #5
thank you. I don't think I am going to keep this topic though.

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