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Nepal is a lovely place to live in but can't provide a proper study environment - Canada Embassy SOP


shova 1 / 2  
May 11, 2016   #1
Study Plan for Study Permit; Application to Embassy of Canada

Please correct my study plan and give me some advice. I am going to apply my application to the Embassy of Canada but i am not sure about my study plan. I am afraid that they will give me a refusal if my study is not clear. Thank you very much

Statement of Purpose
I am Rachana Acharya and had already completed my graduate level. Learning is one of the most important things in life which helps us to move on and keeps us always determined. Working as a teacher and dealing with the kids I admired the profession and decided to find a career in this profession. I love to be a good educator and in the future I want to run my own day care center. Being a teacher I learned that the childrens are clay which have to be designed by us. The better education we provide them the better person will they become. I have always been taught that education is the most important thing in anyone's life and learning is a never ending process which is why I choose to continue studying Early Childhood Education (Program code: 1201).

During my childhood time, we did not get such opportunity to go to day care in Nepal but were admitted directly to school. But today before admitting their children in school parents at first admit their children in day care where the children learn to speak, they become much more active. A child admitted to school from a day care is much more actively participated then a child admitted without a day care. When I worked in school I noticed the differences and knew about day care and loved its techniques to broom the children.

Due to inconvenient circumstances and my personal interests I want to study outside my country in a place where I believe I can grow, education is much more systematic, learn experience and mature into a globally engaged individual. Nepal is a lovely place to live in but it is unable to provide a proper study environment and it lacks in practical method of education. Political instability is also one of the reason why Higher Education in Nepal is a difficult task. The institutions in Nepal are devoid of equipment and well qualified manpower to give quality education. My firm belief is that "There are no shortcuts to success" and this is also a reason why I want to study abroad to gather experiences and benefits by sharing my personal interests, ideologies and perspective and in return learn new things from what others have to offer.

Creating a better student means developing my country. After successful completion of my course I will return back to my home country open my own child day care centre. I want to also help by supporting any orphanage when I develop my steady source of income. This is really a requisite in Nepal. I will try my best to get the best result to pursue my dream in the future

when I finish my degree ,I will use all my knowledge to serve my country because my country 's still poor and developing in comparison with other nations all around the world.

ichanpants89 [Contributor] 16 / 777 309  
May 11, 2016   #2
Shova, welcome to EssayForum :)

I hope that as a new member, you will be brave enough to practice or convey ideas towards other members' essay. Therefore, I encourage you to keep writing in order to help others if possible. Now, you can see the description of a breakdown of your grammatical and content issues, with corrections applied. Sadly, I was only able to focus on your first and second paragraph.

- I am Rachana Acharya and had already completed my graduate level.(I don't say that this is wrong, but in my opinion it is unnecessary because the application form itself has already shown the data about your name and your education.)

- Working as a teacher and dealing with the kids I admired the profession andhas inspired medecided to find...
- ...and in the future I want to run my own day care center in the future.
- ByBeingbecoming a teacher, (comma needed) I have learned that...
- The better education we provide them, (comma needed) the better...
- ...education is the most important thing in anyone's life and learning is a never ending process (this is too general, I think you need to narrow it down to be more specific. Perhaps, my suggestion is that you can say about your interest in children, your active participation, and you have a good experience in managing the class with children would be a better reason.)

- ...(Program code: 1201). (does it really necessary? what did your application form say to you? As far as I know, stating the program code should be in the other parts of registration, not inside a statement of purpose.

- Most parts of your second paragraph suffers from punctuation problems. You need to remember that if the position of coordinating conjunction is in the middle, you need to use comma.

As you can see Shova, perhaps you can revise this first, and then upload the revision in the comment section below. I do hope that my insights will be valuable in enhancing your writing skills.Good Luck :)
justivy03 - / 2,366 607  
May 11, 2016   #3
Hi Rachana, first of all, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family, I do hope that you will find us to be credible as much as reliable to your writing reference. We do strive to provide the most accurate feedback, remarks and observations to your writing exercises, with the hopes of inspiring you to write more often and be better, if not the best at this craft.

Now,what I notice in your statement of purpose is the lack of details when it comes to the events that you are trying to incorporate in your letter, what I mean is, when you talk about completing your graduate level, this is in the first sentence of your letter, you mentioned that you graduated already, however, you were not able to give further details, somehow, the details are needed in order to provide that sense of the idea as well as to complete the sentence and its structure.

Overall, aside from minor details, your writing is well organized and I suppose you can still polish the presentation of your letter by separating the conclusion from a rather heavy last paragraph that you have here.

I hope the insights helped and keep on writing.
OP shova 1 / 2  
May 12, 2016   #4
I am really confused my SOP is not even 1 page.
justivy03 - / 2,366 607  
May 14, 2016   #5
hi Rachana, there's nothing to be confused about, remember, the length of the SOP does not determine your faith in this application. The true purpose of your application that you will incorporate in your essay, is the one that will stand out in your essay and this is the one where you're suppose to focus on.

As mentioned, the lack of details in your essay is the one that needs a little revision. Moreover, the grammar also needs a little bit of polishing. The verbs and words you used conveys the message you want to send in this essay and this is definitely great, however, this words cannot stand alone without the overall impact and idea of your essay so you should be cautious.

I do hope to review your revision and focus on the essay, its purpose and the aftermath of this application, the length, however, should be kept into maximum of one full page or 3 paragraphs with a focus on your academic endeavors and achievements. Best of luck to you and keep writing !
OP shova 1 / 2  
May 25, 2016   #6
Please check this if it is good to submit
The development of the human brain starts from the very beginning of the day a child is born. In order to make kids achieve their goals, they must be guided and educated from their early age. Being one of the teachers in my local community, and hanging around with kid's action and their never ending desire to learn new things day by day, I am very much fascinated about the trend of running child day care center in my society and find a career in this profession.

Working and learning is never ending process throughout the life. People always want to get better in every career they choose. Similarly, I am on the same track of improving my teaching techniques and learn new skills through the course I have selected. From the knowledge of my experience as a teacher in my community, I feel like we still lack behind in terms of modern teaching skills. Moreover early childhood education in my country follows the traditional teaching method. When I was child, I was taught in same traditional method and teachers around here follow the same methods as well. There is high scarcity of qualified and trained professional in our country so I have selected this course to improve my career in this teaching profession of early childhood development.

During my childhood time, we did not get such opportunity to go to day care in Nepal but were admitted directly to school. But today before admitting their children in school parents at first admit their children in day care where the children learn to speak, they become much more active. A child admitted to school from a day care is much more actively participated then a child admitted without a day care. When I worked in school I noticed the differences and knew about day care and loved its techniques to broom the children.

Due to inconvenient circumstances and my personal interests I want to study outside my country in a place where I believe I can grow, education is much more systematic, learn experience and mature into a globally engaged individual. Nepal is a lovely place to live in but it is unable to provide a proper study environment and it lacks in practical method of education. Political instability is also one of the reason why Higher Education in Nepal is a difficult task. The institutions in Nepal are devoid of equipment and well qualified manpower to give quality education. My firm belief is that "There are no shortcuts to success" and this is also a reason why I want to study abroad to gather experiences and benefits by sharing my personal interests, ideologies and perspective and in return learn new things from what others have to offer.

Creating a better student means developing my country. Moreover if I am given opportunity to do this course "Early Childhood Education" then in future I see myself in much reputable position in early childhood development sector in my country in couple of years. Once my source of income is in steady position, I would also like to be involved in the early child care of orphanage. Apart from this, after successful completion of my course, I would also like to provide Montessori Training to primary school teacher's around here in my country Nepal and share brief about what I have learned and help them improve in their profession as well. Last but not the least I will give my 100 percent to pursue my degree in Canada and after successful completion; I will serve my people and country.
ichanpants89 [Contributor] 16 / 777 309  
May 25, 2016   #7
Rachana, I think there is no serious problem with the content of your essay. The flow of the ideas was pretty clear. However, there is no perfect writing after all. Some modifications are still needed to improve the quality of this essay. You can see the detailed descriptions about your mistake for each paragraph below:

1st paragraph
- ...from the very beginning of the day a child iswas born.
- ...never ending desire to learn new things day by dayeveryday / every single day.
- ...the trend of running child day care center in my society and findfinding a career path in this profession.

2nd paragraph
- Working and learning areis never ending process throughout the life.
- Fortunately,Similarly, I am on the same track... (similarly and same are different in meaning, I gave you an alternative word)
- From the knowledge of my experience as a teacher in my community, I feel like weI am stilllackleft behind... (inaccurate personal pronoun)

3rd paragraph
- Moreover, (comma needed) early childhood education...
- I was taught by using thein same traditional method, (additional information means you need to give a comma) and teachers around here follow the same methods as well. ('here' should be replaced by the exact place that you mean. This can be considered as unclear.)

- ...professional in our(the reader's country is not included, saying 'our' will sound over-generalized) country, (comma needed) so I have selected..

4th paragraph
- During my childhood time, weI and my friends/colleagues(the reader is not included in this 'we') did not get such opportunity...
- ButHowever, today, before admitting.. (avoid using coordinating conjunction in the middle of the sentence)

As you can see Rachana, I left the last paragraph for you or other members to practice themselves in correcting or giving feedback towards this essay. I hope you can follow through. Good luck in submitting this essay. :)


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