Well, here is my personal statement for Penn State. I hope to convey the message that CTY (the camp) changed me profoundly and that I hope to continue that growth at Penn State. Any suggestions welcome.
Here goes ...
People may spend their entire life, enduring many crises and trials trying to find their core. Others can say that one experience directed their future course on the right path. For me, my experiences at CTY summer programming that readied me for college-level academic material and opened my heart to love a wonderful community will serve me well to grow, learn, and serve at Penn State University.
My first CTY session was meant to be a one-time, academic enhancement session, and so I jumped into CTY summer camp. CTY is a program run by Johns Hopkins University that aims to "develop academically gifted individuals". In this, they did not fail, as I found myself working through college-level material related to Russian History, Ethics, and International Politics that required more than superficial interpretation but intensive speculation and thought. Through my three CTY sessions I enhanced my critical thinking skills in debate and improved my comprehension of advanced material such as Immanuel Kant so that I would be prepared for the future.
While academics were my initial motivation for attending, what kept my heart desiring to return to Carlisle every summer for CTY was not the academic rigor but the inclusive and close-knit community that CTY fosters. My first roommate wore a glow-in-the-dark Iron Patriot mask and was a major history buff. I immediately knew that CTY was for me. The inclusiveness of CTY was a welcomed constant in my life, and for kids like myself who are considered too "weird and different", CTY served as my constant reprieve in the summer and as steady inspiration for academic and social success throughout the school year.
This past summer, my membership to the CTY community came to a very teary and somber end as I grow my roots into a new area of my life. When I started my endeavor to find my next academic institution, the community and tradition on campuses were just as important as the academic rigor of the school. I was able to witness the magic of a group of open-hearted individuals come together to support much more than themselves. I came to realize that if people are passionate and directed correctly, people can grow uniformly as a group rather than in a disjointed fashion with little overall progress.
When I took my first tour of Penn State, my desire for a large, supportive and academic rigor was met. Walking through campus and hearing stories about Penn State's alumni network, THON, and my future as an ice cream connoisseur while thinking about the sporting lore on this campus eased the concerns about the large size of University Park. On a large campus, I can find people of like interests and plans and develop myself into the eclectic individual I would like to become. A friend from CTY stated that leaving was not difficult because CTY was a precursor to the full-time college experience, and I have come to realize that CTY has given me all that it could. At Penn State, I hope to confirm this statement as I deepen and extend my roots.
I also need to cut words, so also please tell me what is unnecessary or esoteric please. Thank you for your time and advice.
Andy, I think that you should consider developing a more personal statement for the last paragraph of your essay. This current one that you have sounds like it should be answering a common essay prompt along the lines of "Why Penn State?" rather than being in your personal statement. Can you find another way to close the essay? Maybe explain the parallelism between the CTY and Penn State in terms of the lessons you will be learning and the preparation that Penn State will give you for the professional world in the same way that CTY prepared you for Penn State. That just might work.
In paragraph 1, we need to edit the following line just to better relay your thoughts:
my experiences at THE CTY summer programSmingthat readied me for college-level academic material
The essay does not sound too esoteric at this point. You clearly explained what CTY was all about and that was my only fear that other people may not understand. Everything about the paper seems to be in order and is usable as of now. Since I am suggesting the removal of a particular paragraph, I am holding back in terms of editing the actual essay because the content is still subject to change. I always insist that the focus of the statement be properly directed before any of those grammar and sentence revisions are implemented in order to save on editing time.
Taking these recommendations and those from other people, I have rewritten the statement. Hopefully, it is an improvement on what I have written. Again, have at thee, folks ...
CTY is a program run by Johns Hopkins University that aims to "develop academically gifted individuals" by immersing qualified students in college-level material taught by top-notch college and high-school educators. CTY runs summer programming at several campuses across the world, and the summer after my freshman year, I went to Dickinson College to attend Russian History.
My first endeavor to Dickinson was meant to be a one-time-only dip into the vast sea of college, and spending three weeks solely focused on Russian History was a way to peek into the future before racing back towards comfort. Expecting a simple academic journey, I was completely unprepared for the non-academic things that I would experience and ultimately take to heart.
The first hint that CTY would not be what it appeared was my first roommate. He wore a glow-in-the-dark Iron Patriot mask and was a bigger history buff than I was. Soon, I met more people like us; enthusiasts of various nerdy things, and soon I fell in love with the CTY community. The top values within this community are inclusiveness and mutual respect rather than vanity and superficiality, and for people who are bullied for being in the wrong social group or having abnormal sexual orientations, CTY can sometimes be a literal lifesaver.
CTY quickly became my second home and safe haven. In a world where students are constantly compared and judged, I was able to thrive academically in a place where intelligence was not compared in fear of a class rank or a standardized test score. Instead, I developed my critical thinking skills in debates and simulations while improving my comprehension of college-level text in subjects such as Ethics, International Politics, and Russian History. Outside of class, I fit a school year of events into three weeks with inside jokes and memories that would last for the rest of the year until we met again.
This past summer, my membership to CTY came to a very teary and somber end. When I started my CTY journey, I expected a purely academic environment where I would learn about Peter the Great before I left to never touch the material again. However, I returned for two more sessions and learned snippets about utilitarianism and modern refugee crises. More importantly, I became less individually focused and learned to try to foster a community among my peers that is worth the effort making and the nostalgic pains leaving.
