If you have time, please comment on my essay.
The prompt, from the CommonApp, went something like "Describe a person of importance to you and how he/she affected your life."
I'm wondering if this essay is not "personal" enough. In my essay, I am watching this scene as a spectator, instead of a participant, which is what happened in real life. Do I need to change the perspective?
Thanks in advance.
Here it is:
"Pprepresh vein!"
You might ask, "What does this mean?"
Well, so did us, a bleary-eyed, ragtag troop of students stumbling into our Network Administration class at nine o'clock in the morning with, naturally, a rabid, red-faced teacher repeatedly screaming this particular nonsensical phrase in our faces. And on the first day of school, above all that.
We cautiously take our seats, warily eyeing the teacher, who seems to be doomed to forever live on the bad side of bipolar disorder. In his right hand, curiously enough, our teacher grips a fluorescent pink hula hoop.
"Pprepresh vein!"
Saying nothing but this peculiar phrase, the teacher seems to expect something from us bewildered students. His pupils dilated in anger, the teacher aggressively hands a student the hula hoop and glares at him expectantly. The student hesitantly holds the hoop. His fingers tremble. He stares wide-eyed at our instructor. Of course, the student has no idea what to do with this hoop. He is, in fact, helpless before the rage of our uncommunicative teacher. He is without knowledge and without defense.
The terror of the student sparks an abrupt change in our teacher. His expression softens and he puts on an easy grin.
"Pprepresh vein."
Again, he motions for a student to grasp the hula hoop. This time, however, he patiently pantomimes what he wants us to do with that hoop. Now we can see that he wants us to join hands and pass the hula hoop in our little connected circle. Now we see the point of this little exercise. And now we begin to see a small glimpse of the lesson our teacher wanted taught.
Through his false rage and wide vocabulary, Mr. Jones taught me the lesson of attitude. As I sat feeling incredibly stupid and confused, the teacher was the only knowledgeable person in the room. He understood far more than me, and persistently and impatiently demanded that I spontaneously understand too, with only a single senseless phrase. As the ignorant one, I felt hurt by his forceful attitude. It wasn't fair that he was angry with me, as he took absolutely no time to explain the situation.
Then, as he took the time to calmly mime how to proceed, I was struck by the contrast between the two methods of communication. When he was patient, not only did he succeed in telling me what was expected without words, as compared to lashing out without provocation, he also made me feel much more secure and relaxed. In fact, later in the year, I felt exhilarated by the information that my teacher good-naturedly taught. I was not only learning, I was enjoying it. His encouraging attitude only strengthened my conviction to study. Undoubtedly, he made me realize that attitude, whether positive or negative, is the most significant element in any atmosphere.
His message completely changed my outlook on life. Now that I have experienced a near-nervous breakdown from ignorance, I fully appreciate the virtue of patience, and the willingness to simply explain. Since then, I make the conscious effort to just help. Whether it be in my workplace dealing with my boss and customers, to a friend with a question, with my parents' incessant comments, or even with my little brother yelling for no particular reason, I always try to maintain composure and talk to them armed with nothing more than a cheerful attitude and a smile.
"Pprepresh vein!"
You might ask, "What does this mean?"
Well, so did we , a bleary-eyed, ragtag troop of students stumbling into our Network Administration class at nine o'clock in the morning with, naturally, a rabid, red-faced teacher repeatedly screaming this particular nonsensical phrase in our faces--and on the first day of school, above all that.
We cautiously take our seats, warily eyeing the teacher, who seems to be doomed to forever live on the bad side of bipolar disorder. In his right hand, curiously enough, our teacher grips a fluorescent pink hula hoop.
"Pprepresh vein!"
Saying nothing but this peculiar phrase, the teacher seems to expect something from us bewildered students. His pupils dilated in anger, the teacher aggressively hands a student the hula hoop and glares at him expectantly. The student hesitantly holds the hoop. His fingers tremble. He stares wide-eyed at our instructor. Of course, the student has no idea what to do with this hoop. He is, in fact, helpless before the rage of our uncommunicative teacher. He is without knowledge and without defense.
The terror of the student sparks an abrupt change in our teacher. His expression softens and he puts on an easy grin.
"Pprepresh vein."
Again, he motions for a student to grasp the hula hoop. This time, however, he patiently pantomimes what he wants us to do with that hoop. Now we can see that he wants us to join hands and pass the hula hoop in our little connected circle. Now we see the point of this little exercise; we begin to see a small glimpse of the lesson our teacher wanted taught.
Through his false rage and wide vocabulary, Mr. Jones taught me the lesson of attitude. As I sat feeling incredibly stupid and confused, the teacher was the only knowledgeable person in the room. He understood far more than me, and persistently and impatiently demanded that I spontaneously understand too with only a single senseless phrase. As the ignorant one, I felt hurt by his forceful attitude. It wasn't fair that he was angry with me as he took absolutely no time to explain the situation.
Then, as he took the time to calmly mime how to proceed, I was struck by the contrast between the two methods of communication. When he was patient, not only did he succeed in telling me what was expected without words, as compared to lashing out without provocation, he also made me feel much more secure and relaxed. In fact, later in the year, I felt exhilarated by the information that my teacher good-naturedly taught. I was not only learning, I was enjoying it. His encouraging attitude only strengthened my conviction to study. Undoubtedly, he made me realize that attitude, whether positive or negative, is the most significant element in any atmosphere.
His message completely changed my outlook on life. Now that I have experienced a near-nervous breakdown from ignorance, I fully appreciate the virtue of patience and the willingness to simply explain. Since then, I make the conscious effort just to help . Whether it be in my workplace dealing with my boss and customers, to a friend with a question, with my parents' incessant comments, or even with my little brother yelling for no particular reason, I always try to maintain composure and talk to them armed with nothing more than a cheerful attitude and a smile.
Great job! This is a neat and unique lesson learned. I enjoyed it, and I think the admissions officers will also. Please review my essay!!
Undoubtedly, he made me realize that attitude, whether positive or negative, is the most significant element in any atmosphere.
Well, it sounds like in addition to changing his attitude, he also pantomimed what he wanted you to do. So... probably it was the pantomiming that really helped most.
Now that I have experienced a near-nervous breakdown from ignorance, I fully appreciate the virtue of patience, and the willingness to simply explain.---> This part is great! I hope you'll make it a more substantial part of the essay! In fact, I advice moving this great sentence to the introduction. :-)
@ hiddenoasis and EF_Kevin
Thanks for the feedback. I thought that the story part of the essay was decent enough, but the "lesson learned" part was a bit lacking in conclusion. Does anyone have any suggestions as to how I can elaborate?
Thanks
I think this sentence might be like a thorn in the essay's side:
Since then, I make the conscious effort to just help.
I think you might want to replace it with a sentence that explains a thought that arose in your mind, a memory that you had when you experienced this lesson. Elaborate by showing the reader the process that took you into a broader way of thinking and responding to people's attempts at communication. It is easy to say you got what the teacher was trying to get you to get; it is harder to show the reader how you got it by expounding the workings of your mind.
