Any advice would be appreciated! I am also short of the word requirement, so letting me know anything else that needs to be added would be appreciated as well :)
​Prompt: What do you value enough to promote to a wider audience? Why is it important to you?
I attended the Georgetown Medical Institute the summer after my junior year. The aim of this institute was to allow high school students to learn more about and explore the vast range of opportunities the medical field has to offer. This was one of the most engaging weeks of my life, but there was a particular experience throughout those seven days that struck my heart like a arrow, and is one of the reasons for the career path that I am potentially aiming towards.
We took a day trip to the National History Museum, an experience that I didn't anticipate to gain much from, because it was the National History Museum and we were all there to learn more about medicine, not history. They led us into a cramped, dimly lit theater, where they showed us a short documentary called 'Twitch.' The documentary followed a seventeen year old girl make the decision to undergo genetic testing, after her mother had died from Parkinson's disease the year before. According to doctors, there was a 50% chance that she would develop Parkinson's in her 40's as well, so the challenge of knowing or not knowing spoke highly of her bravery.
While I felt for her and noticed a tear or two streaming down my cheeks by the end of the documentary, what I truly discovered that day was the impact that a neurological disease has on a person. Neurological disorders tend to be hidden from society, because of the physical and mental degenerative effect that it has on a person. The entire being of who they are, or who they were, disappears entirely. I immediately felt enraged that something with such a detrimental effect could happen to person. Our minds are everything to us. It controls everything we think and feel and do, and these disorders have the ability to make all that disappear.
As soon as I reached home the week after, I reached out to neurologists in my community. I demanded to know more about Parkinson's and diseases like it. One of the neurologists at my local hospital was happy to satisfy my desire to know, and soon after, I began working closely with him once a week on discovering the underlying issue that causes Parkinson's. I also began donating large sums of money, as much as a high schooler with a minimum wage job can, to the Parkinson's Disease Foundation.
As I discovered more and more about these neurodegenerative disorders, there was one unsettling factor that kept appearing and it continues to shake my bones in a way that still upsets me. No one seems to understand the gravity that a neurodegenerative disease has on a person, or even a family. This is the issue that I value most in my life, and one that I feel as if audiences around the world would benefit from exposure to. Education about neurodegenerative disorders is extremely important, because as society becomes more aware of the conditions that these diseases force onto their victims, the closer we can become to cures and worlds where these diseases don't pose a threat to the people that we love.
I've always held a passion for the medical field, but after my exposure to the documentary 'Twitch' and subsequent research of neurodegenerative disorders, it has become clear to me that this is what I need to do with my life. These conditions should not exist, and it pains me to watch people having to deal with these diseases, and having no control over the deterioration of their livelihood. This is preventable, if our society as a whole can ban together and discover the tragedies that these disorders have the ability to inflict.
Lauren, I find this essay to be in direct answer to the prompt. You were able to provide the reason for your wish to promote the effects of neurodegenerative diseases to people in an effort to learn more about how to combat the illness. You were compelling in your desire to learn more about the illness, but I felt that it was lacking in the forward thinking aspect because you did not mention how you planned to promote your cause to the public once you become a doctor. I believe the essay would also benefit from that information if you can provide it. It does not not have to be a solid plan, an overview will do.
I would like you to note your tone of voice on the essay though. It should always be friendly and approachable, non-combative. By saying
I reached out to neurologists in my community. I demanded to know more about Parkinson's and diseases
you are offering a contradiction in your personality, you cannot be amiable by "reaching out" and then suddenly become "demanding". Rather, once you "reach out" to people, you should follow it up with "strong requests" at the most. Do you see the way the tone of the essay will remain soft by changing the word "demanded" ? It should help keep the essay smooth and non-engaging.
I sincerely hope that you will consider my suggestions for the betterment of your essay :-)
Thank you for your suggestions, they really helped! I put what you said into this paragraph, and it would really mean a lot if you (or anyone else) had some extra feedback! Thank you!
As I discovered more and more about these neurodegenerative disorders, there was one unsettling factor that kept appearing and it continues to shake my bones in a way that still upsets me. No one seems to understand the gravity that a neurodegenerative disease has on a person, or even a family. This is the issue that I value most in my life, and one that I feel as if audiences around the world would benefit from exposure to. Education about neurodegenerative disorders is extremely important, because as society becomes more aware of the conditions that these diseases force onto their victims, the closer we can become to cures and worlds where these diseases don't pose a threat to the people that we love. When I become a doctor, I would hold seminars educating the public on the realities of neurodegenerative disorders and potentially reach out to the younger generation using social media. I also feel as if the making of several more effective documentaries, showing the realities of diseases like Parkinson's, could affect people in an inspiring way, much like the profound effect that 'Twitch' left on me. With these strategies in place, I feel as if more strides in medicine as well as public awareness can be made.
