When I was growing up I dreamed about attending the University of Michigan; however, a visit to one university changed everything. That University was Brown. This may sound cheesy but, from the moment I walked onto the Brown campus I knew that there was no other school for me. The first unique feature that attracted me to Brown was the new curriculum. The Brown curriculum forces me to take responsibility for my own education while at the same time giving me the chance to discover something that is far beyond my comfort zone. I am also drawn to Brown's diverse student population. I love meeting new people and learning about their particular lifestyles, interests and various cultures, and Brown's diverse student population would only amplify this interest. Finally, what I love most about Brown is that I would not be an assortment of grades, credits, or numbers, I would be Kelsey Mullane.
I could really use some advice/ grammar corrections on this Thanks!
To be critical, I don't think your essay is strong. Everybody who applies comments on the lack of core curriculum and distribution requirements. I think you need to find another reason that you want to attend Brown. "Diverse student population" is also a very general statement that is not unique to Brown.
Good luck!
I think you write honestly. But I think you can improve it by talking more about yourself, and show the AOs not only why you choose Brown, but why Brown should choose you as a fit:)
...however, a visit to Brown changed everything. That University was Brown. This may sound cheesy but, from the moment I walked onto the Brown campus I knew that there was no other school for me. The first unique feature that attracted me to Brown was the new curriculum. The Brown curriculum forces me to take ...
I chopped a lot of this intro, because it was unnecessary. I just wanted to have you consider doing it with fewer words, because it will be so much more efficient, and you can even add some good sentences if you save space here.
And here at the end I will fix the run on sentence:
Finally, what I love most about Brown is that I would not be an assortment of grades, credits, or numbers. I would be Kelsey Mullane.
:-)
