Hello there
i am not very good so i want your suggestion to improve it
prompt: Describe a circumstance, obstacle or conflict in your life, and the skills and resources you used to resolve it. Did it change you? If so, how?
Living with your mother and dad together is a great boon. Growing up with my family, my parents were always taking care of me, and I was the happiest person in the world. But life isn't always fair, when I entered my high school; my parents' problems have become more obvious and complex. They suddenly stopped talking to each other. I didn't know what was happening, but I thought it was a small dispute and everything will return the same, but that wasn't the case.
I remembered that day when my mother called my sister and I to her room, and told us the shocking truth, in a few weeks she will leave us to her parents' home she said that their problem became so complex and they will break up. I didn't expect this scenario happening even in my dreams, I felt disappointed, frustrated and kept my tears from falling, but my older sister was stronger than me, she understood the circumstance and kept herself calm and relaxed. After which, I lived the worst days in my life, I couldn't think about anything else, and while I was lost, my mother had gone.
My dad was working for long hours till midnight, so my sister and I were alone at home most time. I started to understand the situation, now I had to depend on myself on everything. My sister helped me to find myself and taught me important lessons; we forgot about our old life and made a new one. We cooperated to do the housekeeping and take care of ourselves, and now we have got used to all of that. Living without my parents benefited, and that fear disappeared forever. This situation taught me many things that I won't forget ever, and the most important thing that now I know how to deal with my problems.
My beliefs and view of life had changed a lot after that experience; I learnt how the life could be harsh sometimes. The idea of surrender was always going on in my mind, and I felt despair many times, but I keep pushing forward, all of that just strengthen me. Failure is the key for success, and being patient is the secret to solve problems. Now I have the power to face my difficulties, and became a person anyone could rely upon him.
Hi Akrm
Sorry to say but it was more like a friendly talk. What I could make out from your essay was your loss and what you finally learned, but the essay is lacking how you overcome through that phase of your life, how you pushed yourself and how you became a new more strong person. The prompt asked you ...skills and resources you used to resolve it. Did it change you? If so, how? You have not mentioned this part.
You can start the essay somewhat like this:
Growing up with both the parents is what every child dream of, mine was opposite. My parents got separated when I was very young and this has turned me to a complete new person. I have won over my fears.... Just little bit of family part like this, and now write about you, the difficulties or how you managed to continue on your own, what all you have accomplished yet.
No problem at all
Thank you for your review
give me your comments on this
Growing up with both the parents is what every child dream of, mine was opposite. My parents got separated when I was very young and this has turned me to a complete new person. I have won over my fears and became stronger. I had to beat all the difficulties I faced in order to become a person can everyone rely upon him.
I was living almost alone at home; I was frightened and didn't know what I should do. But deep inside myself, I believed that I will overcome this obstacle soon. Because I was young, lack of experience was essential problem for my, so I decided to search for people who can advise me and guides me to the right way, and I found that in my grandparents and my teachers. My grandparents told me that my parents life and problems shouldn't affect my life, and to forget about the past and begin thinking about myself and how I could be a good child. My teachers also told me that what I am feeling, like fearing and despair, is normal and any child would feel the same like me, and they encouraged me to participate in school clubs so I can make a new relationship and defeat my fear in the same time. These simple words were relaxing for me; they opened my eyes for a new life.
I took their wisdom advices into consideration; I participated with library and chemistry clubs in my school, and spent many happy moments with them. Making a new friend was also very important for me, every time I had new friends, I feel more confident and happier. They also helped me to get out of my problem by being on my side all the way, and step by step, that problem has become from the past, and I had become another person.
My beliefs and view of life had changed after that experience, I learnt the life could be harsh sometimes, but it will shape you to who you are now, and teach you lessons you won't forget ever. Now, thanks to my grandparents and friends, I have seen this life from another aspect, the beauty of it. These situation would definitely change anyone, but he has the choice to become better, or worse.
Your rewrite is very good. I believe you really honed in on the questions asked of you!
Just a couple of observations. For one, you condensed the essay into three paragraphs. This should be spread int at least four.
guides me to the write way...
Start a new paragraph withgrandparents... and use another paragraph to detail this discovery. You really learned alto from them, so give them credit!
Otherwise your punctuation grammar and spelling are good. Your word choice really improved in the rewrite.
Good intro and conclusion. I like the way you said how you became someone people could rely on. This ties in the past to the future.
Good start!
ef_carol
Hi Akrn, I'd like to share my thoughts in your essay.
Well, looking back at the early stage of your essay, you did have a well written revision.
Now, let me help out this revised one for a much needed enhancement.
- Growing up with both the parents is what every child dreamed of,
- mine wasis the opposite.
- has turned me to a completely new person.
- I was living almost living alone at home;, I was
- Because( refrain from starting your sentences with "because") I was young,
- lack of experience was essential problem for my, so I decided
- I took their words of wisdom advices into consideration;, (mind your punctuation marks) I participated with library and chemistry clubs in my school,
- and spent many happy momentsgreat time with them.
- Making a new friends was also very important for me,
- My beliefs and views inof life had
There you have it Akrn, there is definitely a lot of room for improvement and though you wrote a good revised essay, there are still a lot more to work on, I hope I was able to help.
