Unanswered [3] / Urgent [0] / SERVICES

Undergraduate   Posts: 2

A new flyover. Common App Essay - Undergrad Transfer

fadddy 1 / -  
Jan 30, 2018   #1
Please provide a statement that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve. (Max 650 words)

opportunity and guidance to help me achieve goals

Stepping foot in Malaysia after two years, almost nothing had changed. Rain poured down just as heavily with the occasional cacophony of thunder ringing through the air. Twin Towers loomed over the city as though to keep a watchful eye on the citizens. Roads lead me to familiar places and the restaurants served the same food that I grew up eating. I had lived here for seven years and it felt as though I was coming back home. But this time there was something different. There was a new flyover. A flyover that led me straight to my new university.

In the fall of 2016, I pursued Computer Science at Taylors University's American Degree Program (TUADP) in Malaysia. I chose to attend TUADP mainly because of two main reasons. Firstly, it was because of its proximity to my parents since I was not emotionally ready to leave them and study abroad. Secondly because of its affordability. At the time TUADP was the best academic and financial fit for my needs.

Throughout my two years at TUADP, I met several like-minded individuals with similar goals and interests and enjoyed being a part of the ADP Engineering Society. Starting out as a member of the society, I took part in educational field trips, attended guest lectures and seminars and helped my fellow peers with math and computer science. Soon enough my seniors started to notice my interest in the society and elected me as a new Board of Director. My job title was Event Manager which meant that it was my responsibility to organize educational trips, fundraising events and workshops. I organized an educational trip to Safran Landing System - a company specializing in landing gears and brakes for multimillion-dollar aircrafts, a 3D printing workshop and a robotics workshop. Being able to work with a robot battle kit or using 3D printers to design and build gears has taught me the importance of understanding the foundation of each field-from coding to electronics. At TUADP, I managed to step out of my comfort zone, a cocoon that I had been a part of for most of my life.

Although my time at TUADP was enjoyable and memorable, my growth as an individual and a professional would be limited by the opportunities provided here. From experiencing computer science directly and taking courses in it, I soon realized the importance of a broader curriculum with emphasis on research. TUADP offers a great program for a two-year institution, but to fulfil my personal and professional goals, it is imperative that I continue my further studies at a four-year institution.

In composing my target list of colleges, first and foremost, I have selected schools with strong computer science departments and research facilities and have scrutinized many course catalogs to be sure there are interesting courses in Artificial Intelligence and Machine learning at every college I'm considering. Secondly, I have selected schools with a diverse community. Coming from an international school, I have learned to accept and acknowledge distinct cultural perspectives and have embraced a variety of opinions. A university with a diverse community would be a perfect fit for me since it encompasses all the qualities of me as a person and provides the same environment that I have thrived in and excelled in most of my life.

To be able to benefit the society with my research is my personal goal and as for my professional goal, my dream is to start my own firm that helps the elderly, the disabled and the underprivileged from developing countries using Artificial Intelligence and Machine Learning to enhance their lives.

It would be with great honor for someone like myself to graduate a school with a great legacy in the computer science field. Many would dream of attending a prestigious university creating relationships and connections within the years of attending. However, I hope that your university would provide me with the opportunity and the guidance to help me achieve my goals soon.

This is my common app essay. Its a general essay, not specific to any school since the schools that I'm applying to ask a specific one in their supplementary essay. Please help me figure out if I have made any mistakes or veered away from the topic. Thanks!
Holt - / 7,651 1998  
Jan 31, 2018   #2
Fahad, paragraph 4 which deals with your criteria for choosing a university is misplaced in this essay. After all, the prompt is specific to the reasons for your transfer and your goals. There is no reference to the criteria or reasons that you chose a particular university, which is what that paragraph deals with. Remove that paragraph and fully develop your next few paragraphs in a manner that reflects you academic and career goals instead. That is the aim of the prompt you were provided. Your essay is pretty strong in relation to the reasons why you wish to transfer. It is engaging and offers a clear idea as to your mindset with regards to your personal educational considerations. It only weakens in response to your goals. So that is what you should focus on developing instead. Use the goals to justify your reason(s) for wishing to transfer from one school to another. Be specific with your goals. Expand the explanation if need be. Just make sure that is clearly shows the reasons why your previous university can no longer help you achieve the academic and professional goals you have set for yourself.

Home / Undergraduate / A new flyover. Common App Essay - Undergrad Transfer