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'A new generation makeing great scientific discoveries' - Carnegie Mellon


timobxsci 4 / 11  
Sep 26, 2012   #1
When I was a freshman in high school, I visited my friend's house. He had a sister who was in her senior year and was in the process of receiving a plethora of college acceptances, many of which she tossed aside until she found the one she was looking for. One of the tossed letters was from CMU and I had asked her, "What is CMU? What is it good at?" She meagerly replied, "Oh, it's just some geeky science school...science research kids. I'd rather pursue law." At the time, I was only a freshman so I didn't think about college too much but CMU stuck. And throughout high school, I saw CMU everywhere from college nights to picturing myself on its campus.

If CMU is the place that "geeky research kids" go, then I want to get in on the action! Science and history make up a good bit of who I am and I feel that scientific research exemplifies both of those subjects, science being the budding ideas and history being the roots. As a high school researcher in ophthalmology at the Weill Cornell Medical College, I am choosing to major in chemistry because I believe it offers the most variety (in the Mellon College of Science); chemistry branches into all fields of science. When I was young, I often associated "science" with the periodic table. Having taken high school Chemistry, AP Chemistry, and now Post-AP Chemistry: Quantitative Analysis, I do understand the requirements and responsibilities of pursuing chemistry as my major. I am proud to say that I am looking forward to the task. I hope to implement my chemistry learnings into my research, an activity I most certainly intend to pursue at Carnegie Mellon University. In fact, it is the reason why I believe it is the perfect fit for me. Alongside chemistry, I like to keep history close. Being a New Yorker, it is hard to say no to the Metropolitan Museum of Art of the Museum of Modern Art. As a result, I have high hopes of pursuing Art History or Philosophy as my second major or minor (in the Dietrich College of Humanities and Social Sciences).

If I told you that I was planning to become a doctor in the future, you wouldn't be surprised. Neither would I. But what if I told you I was planning to practice in third-world countries? And that I wanted to "save the world?" Then you may think that, "Hmm, this guy is something." I am quite nonchalant about my future salary; money isn't what I strive for in life. I strive for influence, with the hope that one day I will be able to impact the world. I believe that I am extremely mature for my age; I understand the mishaps of the world, how the world works, but most importantly, I know how to get things done in the world. I think once a person realizes that, money becomes insignificant and the only thing they want to do is to better the world. It's something I have realized as a result of high school and it is something I intend to carry out. College is one of the big steps.

I bring to Carnegie Mellon not my grades nor my SAT scores. I bring to Carnegie Mellon the epitome of a new generation. I bring with me the Class of 2017, the kids that will continue to make great scientific discoveries and continue to make a mark in history. In short, I bring the whole package.
Guest /  
Oct 7, 2012   #2
Very good :) Although remember, the school sees all your achievements in your application. Try not to overload on your coursework.
yungmoni 2 / 5  
Oct 8, 2012   #3
"Please submit a one-page, single-spaced essay that explains why you have chosen Carnegie Mellon and your particular major(s), department(s) or program(s). This essay should include the reasons why you've chosen the major(s), any goals or relevant work plans and any other information you would like us to know. If you are applying to more than one college or program, please mention each college or program you are applying to. Because our admission committees review applicants by college and programs, your essay can impact our final decision. Please do not exceed one page for this essay."

I liked it. It sounded like you were talking straight to me!

That said, there are a few things I would take care to look at.

1. Listing courses isn't necessary; rather you can say "Having experienced the full scope of my high school's chemistry curriculum..." or a related version.

2. I'm not sure about the third paragraph. I understand your reasons for putting it, but there are things I would do to make it more believable.

And that I wanted to "save the world?"

That's a bit of a lofty ambition, to put it lightly.

mishaps

Perhaps a better word would fit here. Mishaps is similar to mistakes, and the world doesn't have mistakes so much as it has issues.

I know how to get things done in the world

Is there any evidence for this? Again, this is a pretty big statement.

It's something I have realized as a result of high school and it is something I intend to carry out. College is one of the big steps.

The word "something" is repeated. I think this is better: It's something I have realized as a result of high school and intend to carry out in college and beyond.

The last part was great! Overall nice job, just make sure to keep it realistic and I wish you best of luck!


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