In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.
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Open to any critique you all would like to send my way. Thanks.
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My parents have always felt very strongly that travel is an integral part of forming well rounded, open minded adults. Since I was a child, my parents have taken my sister and me to various countries; Hungary, Costa Rica, Mexico, France, and Czech Republic to name a few. This summer my parents took us to South Africa. The diversity of the culture, language, and geography made South Africa a fascinating country to explore.
The experience that was the most life changing occurred in Plettenburg Bay, South Africa. My family and I were advised to take a nature hike around nearby Robberg Peninsula by the elderly couple who owned the bed and breakfast in which we stayed. Thinking the hike would be a great way to experience the scenery of the country, we set out for Robberg. We started on what was initially a narrow path with just a hint of danger. As we continued, we found ourselves on top of some high, sheer cliffs with beautiful picturesque surroundings. As we continued on this path, we rounded the end of the peninsula and found ourselves atop a colossal sand dune. We ran down the dune and along the beach comfortably until we had to pick up the path which led us into a much narrower, treacherous mid-cliff area with no barriers between my family and the oceanic rocks far below. Out of concern for my family, I told them to stay behind and I would continue on to see that we were on the correct path and that I felt it was passable. I did this several times coming back to reassure my family that the path was nearing the end.
It was only after my family told the story to my grandfather that I realized in that split second, I took responsibility for my whole family. Up to that time, it had always been my father's role to put the rest of the family's safety first. As I began to reflect on this decision, I realized that I had grown considerably, willingly assuming responsibility for not only myself, but others.
Now that time has passed and I have had an opportunity to dwell on this experience, I recognize that I have an obligation to be responsible for more than just myself. I appreciate that responsibility is an honor bestowed in the form of trust by others. For people to allow someone to take accountability for them means that they have the upmost faith in that person. I now look forward to the opportunity to experience this trust in a circle that extends beyond just my family. I have a duty towards my communities, both locally and globally.
I am now president of our rugby club which offers greater responsibility, but I look forward to an ever widening community that my college experience could offer. I believe that my experience and the awareness it created will motivate an active involvement with and positive example for students at the University of Florida.
Hi Stephan,
I enjoyed reading your submission. Below are a couple of things that may help.
My parents have always felt very strongly that travel is an integral part of forming well rounded, open minded adults. Since I was a child, my parents have taken my sister and meI to various countries; Hungary, Costa Rica, Mexico, France, and Czech Republic to name a few. This summer my parents took us to South Africa. The diversity of the culture, language, and geography made South Africa a fascinating country to explore.
The experience that was the most life changing occurred in Plettenburg Bay, South Africa. maybe .. it was in Plettenburg Bay, South Africa that I had my most live changing experience.. would be more enticing to the reader (could just be my personal preference though)
I am now president of our rugby club which offers greater responsibility, but I look forward to...
this statement seems a little odd to me, perhaps it is the but. You seem to shift quite rapidly from the rugby club and the opportunity of responsibility - which fits your theme- to the college experience without carrying your theme into that situation
best wishes for your submissions process!
kgb66
Thanks, Kim. I have gone back and revised the end a little. Does this seem a little more relevant to you?
I look forward to the challenge of being independent and more responsible for myself and the ever widening community that my college experience will offer. I believe that my experience and the awareness it created will motivate both an active involvement with and positive example for students at the University of Florida.
Hi Stephan,
are you dismissing the Rugby part then?
I believe that my experience and the awareness it created as a consequence of such experiencewill motivate both an active involvement with and positive example for students at the University of Florida.
do you have any more room for this final "hot air to them" paragraph? (that is not a criticism of your writing, just a my take on what they are looking for ;). If you do, it would be great to add one more point to give it greater depth. If not, no worries.
Kim
hyphens:
well-rounded, open-minded
The diversity of the culture, language, and geography made South Africa a fascinating country to explore.---- this is a little too general. If you end the first para with this sentence, it seems too simple and general: S. Africa is fascinating. You can say something more interesting and meaningful.
... have the utmost faith in that person.
Okay, I see now that the essay is about responsibility for oneself and family. That is very good! I hope you will add another sentence to the end of the first paragraph. You need a thesis statement at the end of that para to show that the essay is about discovering your sense of responsibility and protective spirit.
:-)
It was only after my family told the story to my grandfather that I realized that I had, in that split second , taken responsibility for my whole family.
That was an interesting, thought-provoking essay. I enjoyed reading it in its entirety. One comment, however -- beyond what was already said. The last paragraph, 3rd sentence. I would change the word, "upmost," to "utmost."
Other than that, as well as what the others have already said, this was an excellent essay, indeed! I wish you well in your endeavors with respect to the University of Florida.
Thanks,
Mark
EF_Kevin
Great point. Thanks so much for your help. Here's the revised first para:
My parents have always felt very strongly that travel is an integral part of forming well-rounded, open-minded adults. Since childhood, my parents have taken my sister and I to various countries; Hungary, Costa Rica, Mexico, France, and Czech Republic to name a few. This summer my parents took us to diverse and memorable South Africa It was memorable not just because of its beauty, but the growing I did while there.
HI!
Just wanted to say if you have the word limit still in hand then why not write what have you really learnt from the experience.
Yes you have talked about trust and responsibility. mention something like it was an experience that helped me shed my inhibitions of a child and pushed me out of my comfort zone/bubble or whatever. OR you can say like it has helped me gain immense self confidence that today i am ready to take any challenge that...so on.
:) i liked the 'i' factor in the essay.
If you have time please review my essay also. thanks and best of luck...
