Hello, i need suggestions as to how i can make my essay better! I am open to any opinions & criticism is welcome! THANK YOU!
PROMT #2:
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?
There I was in the middle of it all; bright lights that illuminated the sky almost like a thick blanket covering the stars, forests of buildings that towered over me, and millions of people walking quickly in every direction comparable to ants after disturbing their anthill. I was 2654 miles away from the lifeless desert town that a called home and in the center of America's Mecca captivated by it all. I was in New York City.
Months ago I was invited by the Universal Cheer Association to perform in the 85th annual Macy's Thanksgiving Parade in New York City. Although I was excited it didn't register until I awoke to the sound of the flight attendant saying we were about to descend into the JFK airport. I looked out the window and saw nothing but buildings protruding from the earth and into the sky. It was unlike anything I ever seen. After hours of daily rehearsal we were able to explore the city; I walked the overflowing streets of Times Square, got off on the wrong stop on the subway - more than once, and experimented on peculiar food served my street vendors.
On the day of the parade people filled every available space in the streets and sidewalks just to get a view. When we chanted out cheers saying, "We love N-Y-C." the crowed became electrified and chanted the words with us. As I looked into the crowds I took notice that everyone was all so different. Where I am from eighty percent of the town is Hispanic so everyone looked similar. However, in New York there were Indians, Asians, Black and White and everything in between. They all looked so different and yet they were all so similar, they all had depth and substance, which was unlike the type of people I was used to.
My week in New York was like my great awakening. As I looked one last time out the window of the plane it dawned on me that the short time I spent in the surreal city changed me completely. I am now more opened to try new things and if I accidently take a detour, like I did in the subways, I just need to make the best of it.
*******also, any ideas on a title?
. As I looked into the crowds I took notice that everyone was all so different. Where I am from eighty percent of the town is Hispanic so everyone looked similar. However, in New York there were Indians, Asians, Black and White and everything in between. They all looked so different and yet they were all so similar, t
I looked into the crowds, I took notice of the diversity. In _____, where I live, the majority of people are Hispanic. However, in New York, the people were so different yet similar. There were so many races: Asian, Black, White and etc.
I really like your intro but you should talk more about the parade or the subway ride. You should check some of your grammar and punctuation. You should also expand on how it changed you completely.
Thank you for the feedback! I will keep working on it :)
Hi,
Your story sounds really good and it must be really exciting to perform in the parade. Your story itself is good just need to work on some things.
"got off on the wrong stop on the subway - more than once, and experimented on peculiar food served my street vendors". - I think you should reword the sentence and change my to "by"
On the day of the parade people filled every available space in the streets and sidewalks just to get a view- comma after parade
"We love N-Y-C." the crowed became electrified and chanted the words with us.- change crowed to crowd
However, in New York there were (many) Indians, Asians, Black(s) ( add a ,) and (delete and) White(whites) and everything in between
They all looked so different and (delete and) ( add a ,) yet they were all so similar, they all had depth and substance, which was unlike the type of people I was used to.
As I looked one last time out the window of the plane ( add a comma ) it dawned on me that the short time I spent in the surreal city changed me completely ( maybe you can change it to " changed my life completely".
I really like your last sentence. Hope i helped
I think overall you story is really good
I was 2654 miles away from the lifeless desert town that a called home and in the center of America's Mecca captivated by it all.
-kind of awkward
After hours of daily rehearsal we were able to explore the city; I walked the overflowing streets of Times Square, got off on the wrong stop on the subway - more than once, and experimented on peculiar food served my street vendors.
-comma after rehearsal. Period instead of semi-colon. Third sentence can be worded better
On the day of the parade people filled every available space in the streets and sidewalks just to get a view.
-comma after parade.
When we chanted out cheers saying, "We love N-Y-C." [[[[[[t]]]]]]<----(T)he crowed became electrified and chanted the words with us.
-remove our cheers saying. second sentence kind of awkward.
Where I am from eighty percent of the town is Hispanic so everyone looked similar. However, in New York there were Indians, Asians, Black and White and everything in between.
-Where I [came] from[,] eighty percent of the town [are] Hispanic so everyone looked similar. However, in New York there were [many] Indians, Asians, Black(s) and White(s) and everything in between.
Good essay, but I think some of your words were pulled out from the thesaurus. Try not being wordy in your essay!
Wish you luck on your admission!
Regards~
you have a great story, now just try to elaborate on the nyc experiences. Like the subway and the parade. your first line's idea is good but it's a little awkward. start with something like this '2654 miles from my home, a lonely desert town, i stood in new york city. America's mecca, with its blanket of lights and forest of buildings, had found a new beleiver. i was captivated, i was stunned and i was in love. Each towering spire seemed a victory, each little out of the way street an oppurtunity and each person, a mystery. i had always lived in a place where everyone was hispanic and was thus studdened by the multitude of cultures that reigned in nyc.'
