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U of M- "New Zealand on the International Scene," respect for diversity


kiwi90 8 / 21  
Jan 29, 2010   #1
Hello,
this is my U of Michigan short essay. Currently my word count is approx 350, I need to cut down more than at least 50 words. Can anyone give me some suggestions? and can someone please check my grammar? I would really appreciate your help.

As if reviving the legendary congregation of King Arthur and his Knights, eleven young people gathered around a round table to discuss the agenda concerning our country's foreign affairs. Our team's topic for 2008 Auckland Youth Declaration was "New Zealand on the International Scene," an issue which I thought I had a lot to contribute as a bicultural Korean-New Zealander. All of our team members had come from the multicultural city of Auckland, representing various ethnicities, schools and social values. So it was easy to anticipate a vitalizing yet possibly challenging encounter with differing perspectives.

Indeed, our team became quickly engaged in the heated discussion, in which I was able to observe how our distinct experiences and values could culminate into innovative ideas and agreements. For instance, a Pakeha student who had an experience of visiting my home country, Korea, offered his views on NZ trade on the basis of Korean economic model, while on the other hand, I was able to relate my knowledge about Asia-Pacific alliances (which include both Korea and New Zealand) to NZ defense strategy. There were also heated debates between opposing ideals, such as the one between a conservative British guy from my school and a Chinese guy who was inclined to socialist values from another school on the issue of NZ defense and aid target. Yet they also added to the vitality of the discussion, as we were not trying to judge which suggestion was better than the other, but to make best use of our diverse opinions to reach a resolution we could all agree upon. At the end of the conference, our team proposed six new policies to be voted by the rest of the youth delegates; each proposal was the result of exchange and appreciation of differences.

Through this experience, I came to value diversity as a valuable fosterer for better ideas and society, and communication an essential tool to understand diversity. I believe that individuals can educate and learn from each other by expressing and sharing their cultural and personal histories, and this is what I plan to practice in the campus of the university to enrich its diversity and develop my own personal maturity.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Jan 30, 2010   #2
This is excellent! You should proceed with confidence.
It is all so good, I don't want to cut any words, but I'll try to find places that can be cut:

Indeed Our team became quickly engaged in the heated discussion, and in whic h I was able to observe how our distinct experiences and values could culminate into innovative ideas and agreements.

Yet they also added to the vitality of the discussion, as we were not trying to judge which suggestion was better than the other, but to make best use of our diverse opinions to reach a resolution we could all agree upon.
srandhawa 10 / 157  
Jan 30, 2010   #3
you dont need the last part of the sentence saying what exactly you plan to do to the campus, show diversity, dont say specifically what you'll bring, because that's kind of putting a limit on diversity, know what i mean?

I also feel like your intro, the image your trying to portray, and your definitely trying to portray a strong image but...., I think it could be a little stronger. Phrases like "I thought I had a lot to contribute", "All our teams members", and "So it was easy to anticipate", there are much more direct, captivating ways of saying these things and through that you'll create a MUCH stronger vivid, kind of image in the readers mind. This extends for the rest of the essay "For instance", "I was able", "there were also", "yet they also added", "Through this experience", these are just some ex. but there are much stronger ways of starting sentences, being concise and portraying a stronger, more vivid idea and concept than what you do. That'll also help with the word count.

As for the content, you seem to list ideas and then say, these ideas show vitality and diversity, dont do that, establish diveristy and vitalites theme in the beginning of hte essay, same something specific about each of these ideas where diversity and vitality can be SHOWN not described, and that'll make your essay stronger. I would also try making the idea of proposing new solutions a bigger theme of your essay, thats really something unique and thats the type of idea that shows all the stuff you talk about more than anything else.

Good luck, interesting topic, not a bad start:)
OP kiwi90 8 / 21  
Feb 1, 2010   #4
Thank you very much, Kevin and srandhawa! Your comments helped me alot!
I've revised my essay according to your suggestions- but unfortunately, I couldn't edit much because I had no time :( I cut out some unnecessary words and phrases.

Anyway, thanks again!


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