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"The next destination in my journey" - University of Central Florida Addmisions

aclarkelyons 1 / 2  
Oct 24, 2009   #1
Hey thanks for looking, according to my mother my last 3 drafts for this essay were "inadequete" if you could please give me some ideas or your opinions that would be great =D..

p.s. is it ok to answer two questions in one essay?
why did i decide to apply to UCF
what can i bring to UCF
currently my essay is 435 words so if you think i should add anything.. i have space =D

It's one thing to dream and another to strive. Fortunately as a person with big dreams I know that difference. My dream is to live in England as an ambassador for the United Nations and every step that I take has been to reach my dream and my next step is the University of Central Florida.

The University of Central Florida is the next destination in my journey. Your program provides me with the unique opportunity to major in Political Science paired with International and Global studies. The many internships that are provided to the student body are also a big plus when it comes to life outside of classes. The inter institutional program that allows me to study abroad was one of the major deciding factors when I chose to apply to the University of Central Florida because let's face it as a student who loves to travel what more could one ask for. I would love to be a part of your student body and believe that I would make a fantastic contribution to the diverse activities that UCF has to offer.

My experiences have made me the diverse person that I am today. Of the many verbs that describe me, cultured is the one that fits best based on my travels to Europe, Africa, China, the Caribbean, and Latin America; in addition to my multiracial background. In 2001 my love for Europe was born when I flew to England with my mother. As we walked through the gardens rich in tradition and visited the magnificent spas in Bath I began to realize my true love for travel. In 2006 I explored the Mediterranean vacationing in Egypt, Greece, Italy, Capri, and Cypress. In 2007 I attended a program called Oxford Prep, studying under the Oxford Union President and a Rhodes Scholar. While there I majored in International Relations and Debate. Just last year I went to China to help with the 2008 summer Olympics. As a multi-racial child living with my mother and step mother I believe t hat understanding is the next step to culture. When people embrace other beliefs and cultures is when we really become better people. Now that I look back on my choices and experiences I believe that I am halfway to accomplishing my dream and graduating high school is only the halfway mark.

As a woman with a dream I will never be content with the scenery around me and to feed my appetite for change I must harvest every opportunity that I can and the University of Central Florida is just the tool to help me.

thanks again!

ebby2010 10 / 51  
Oct 24, 2009   #2
first of all, read over your essay to correct any grammar mistakes; there are a few.

second, independently read each sentence and ask yourself if it makes sense.

third, what is the prompt?? are you answering 2 prompts or what? your ideas are all over the place. first you talk about your aspirations, then you talk about how you will contribute to UCF, then you go into why UCF is a good fit for you, then the latter of your essay talks about your traveling experiences, and ties back to your aspirations. THERE'S A LOT GOING ON!

focus one one or two main topics and your essay will be a lot stronger.

i hope this helps.
angie127 12 / 49  
Oct 24, 2009   #3
does the college require you to write two separate essays or to choose a topic of your choice? i think you should focus on one topic in order to make your essay more focused.

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