Hello, I just wrote this first draft of my UF admission essay and I was hoping to get suggestions. My topic is:
Write a concise narrative in whichyou describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.
Do I repeat some words too much, should I change any words or grammatical errors, any ideas to make my conclusion better. Any and all advice will be extremely appreciated.
My essay:
When I set my sights on a goal I'll go to the ends of the earth to achieve it. saying I'm just determined would be an understatment.
As a student who attended sussex central high school I was very popluar but I never felt more alone in my life. Moving to a place where I didn't know anybody or had any relatives expect for my sister, even under those circumstances I never felt the need to quiet.
Coming from New York I already had way more credits than I needed to graduate in Virigina and I only needed two classes to pass. So the couselor wanted me to take two 11th grade classes again and Virigina U.S. history (which focuses more on Virigina; slightly different than U.S. history in New York) then take the two classes I need in the summer. I also took a few other classes as extra.
I'm a competitive student and people in Virigina as well as New York tell me I can just "mess around" and still pass all my classes, but I like putting in the effort to do the extra work, even in the classes I don't need and do'nt count towards my grades. I like being active, even in the "Big Apple" I help edit and create music and original DVDs and occasions clean , sweep and even close up my brother's barber shop. It's a habit for me to constantly stay active, I'm not one to be passive. Even as a fast person I'm still extraordinarily patient and diligent.
I was able to get my education in Virigina because of my father. As the school year was coming to an end, I got a call from him saying he couldn't afford to let me stay there for two more months to finish the two classes. I had to go back to New York to complete my classes and an economic class that was required in New York.
I wasn't able to see him again when I came back from Virigina, Myself and other family members lost contact with him. I asked my uncle and he said my dad moved to Riverdale and hasn't heard from him since. Even in that situation I never felt the ugre to give up because I'm not just succeeding for myself but for others too. In both middle school and high school, to my surpise there were a handful of students who told me I inspire them, and even more who occasionally asked me for help (some of them not in any of my classes). I need to keep pushing forward so others looking at me won't get discourage to follow their dreams as well as my own.
I'm always reseacrhing and learning new things; as a computer enthusiast I want to be the next leader in computer engineering from the University of florida to help make a better and brighter future.
When I set my sights on a goal I'll go to the ends of the earth to achieve it. To say that I'm just determined would be an understatment.
As a student who attended S ussex C entral high school I was very popluar but I never felt more alone in my life. Moving to a place where I didn't know anybody or had any relatives expect for my sister, even under those circumstances I never felt the need to quiet.
When I set my sights on a goal I'll go to the ends of the earth to achieve it. saying I'm just determined would be an understatment.
Capitalize the s!!
I wasn't able to see him again when I came back from Virigina;
my family and I lost contact with him.
You have a very clear way of writing, but it needs some structure to hold it together. Try to make the first sentence of every paragraph be about an idea that supports the main idea of the essay. Add a sentence to the first paragraph to help make sure the reader knows what the main idea is. If you do that, I think the essay will be stronger.
:-)
