NEED A THOROUGH EDIT? EDIT MINE AND I"LL GIVE YOU USEFUL FEEDBACK REAL FEEDBACK!
2.) Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.
A secret library exists, containing the biographies of all people in the world. However, these books are unconsciously written. Pages are added whenever the individual experiences a change in perception or a change in thought. The books of the dead are finished and stored away, so that others may learn from the lessons they have recorded, while the books of the living are still incomplete, with new chapters constantly being written and titled after the people who have caused the most change within them. The library is a haven for the lost and confused. Those in need of inspiration and guidance find themselves wandering the marbled halls of this hidden place. I never expected to find myself here, reading from the book of a complete stranger and yet finding the answers to all of my questions. I then began to wonder what was written in my own book. "Who were the great influencers of my life?" I wondered. After spending exactly 15 minutes trying to discourage me from reading my own book the librarian finally directed me to Section 080592. I found my book in row 23; its deep blue color immediately caught my eye. I closed my eyes and opened my book to Chapter 4: Fides Magtoto.
Since Nianna was a young girl she lived inside this shell, in this shell she was safe from the criticism, the pain, and the judgment of the world. Her shell was both her haven and her hell, it protected her and yet it kept her hidden; it kept her from living. She was always so concerned of people's thoughts that she never bothered to enter that art contest, or join that group discussion, or better yet, talk to that boy. No, she kept herself at a distance, because as a spectator she can't lose, but at the same time she'll also never win. Sure she had ideas, she had thoughts, but a visionary without action is simply an invisible artist. Fides Magtoto was her wakeup call. Nianna's cousin was 17 years old when she was diagnosed with leukemia. It's a sad fact to know that we can only see the value of something when we are at the brink of losing it. At 17, her cousin was lying on a hospital bed, the tubes running up and down her body, with no company but the beeping machines that kept her stable. The isolation she endured for months on end reshaped her perspective on the world she saw outside her window. Fides taught Nianna how to see the value in things before they are lost. She showed Nianna that there was no happiness in safety, only regret. Now this snail has abandoned her shell becoming a fully fledged slug, bare and vulnerable. Fides spent the entirety of her youth lying in a hospital bed, with minimal contact with the outside world. The loneliness she felt was indescribable, her friends gave her magazines but it only made her own disconnection more apparent. It pained her to know that while she laid on her bed her friends were shopping, talking, living, for the world kept moving and there was no way she could stop it. She became a spectator, but unlike Nianna, she couldn't play, Nianna on the other hand simply chose not to play. Choice was the differentiating factor. Fides Magtoto is 24 years old now, she defeated Leukemia and in approximately six months from now she will graduate from Cal State University Channel Islands with a bachelor's in nursing. To this day there is still a chance that the cancer might come back, and because of this Nianna's cousin lives as though she could die tomorrow, literally. She never wants to lie back in that hospital bed and say the words the words "I wish I had..." Life is meant to be lived moment by moment she tells me.
The shell is gone now, Nianna is exposed and yet she happy. Her vulnerability forces her to trust in her talents, and her own convictions. She plays the game now, accepting both her wins and her losses. She has learned to trust in herself and mute the voices of insecurity. Life is transitory and unexpected, Fides showed her that. Nianna Ocampo is a slug and like a slug she is defenseless against the world, when threatened she must simply harden herself against the pain that comes with living. But she would choose pain over regret any day, because at least with pain you don't speak would-a, could-a, should-a talk.
The chapter ended, but the words were still flooding into my mind. As I skimmed through the other chapters, I was surprised by some of the names I came across. They were people whose names I least expected to see and yet these were the people who have shaped me into what I am today. I then realized that nothing in this world stays the same; we are all in constant metamorphosis, be it a change in perspective, a change in friends, even perhaps a change in mindset. Change is the word that describes life in my dictionary. We are malleable creatures, products of the influences around us. Amidst the backdrop of inconsistency that encompasses this grand stage we call life, only one aspect ever truly remains perpetual in our stories and that is our own malleability. We learn things from our parents, from our friends and even from strangers, learning from each other in this sort of symbiotic relationship. We are often unconscious to the reality that we are all teachers at one point in our lives. The homeless man who sits on the sidewalk showed me my own fortune and the gratitude I should always feel for merely having a home, while the young man who stops to give this homeless man food from the nearby restaurant strengthens my belief in the kindness of humans. These are the lessons I learn in my daily life. However, the most important lessons I have learned, I realize were taught by the people closest to me. Yes I am a slug, bare, vulnerable and insignificant when compared to the world around me and yet I wouldn't choose to be anything else because as a slug I am completely open to the world, open to the malleability. Snails are protected but they cannot see change, they cannot be a part of it. I am a part of the world for I am visible. Sure slugs are slow but my movements are gradual because I want to enjoy every moment of the journey, just like my cousin said "moment by moment."
I WILL BE AWAKE UNTIL 4:00 tonight so i will get your edits done by TODAY!
PLEASE HELP my due date is soon and i really need some feedback!
2 word choice/ grammar edits:
I never expected to find myself here, reading from the book of a complete stranger and yet finding the answers to all of my questions.
To this day there is still a chance that the cancer can might come back, and because of this my cousin lives as though she could die tomorrow, literally.
This is an incredible essay! Its very creative in its premise, and it draws the reader in very well. My only comment is that its slightly confusing that you are reading from a book (even if its your own) yet its still in first person. I'm not sure if this is something you want to change, it is certainly a great essay either way, but it might be worth it to spend a couple of minutes trying to make it sound as if its being read from a book.
Good Luck!
