"The Niche of a Quasi-Nomad - Why Bryn Mawr?

Hi! I just finished my essay on "Why would you like to attend Bryn Mawr?". Any comments, suggestions, critiques, compliments, disparages? Is the essay all over the palce? Do I state clearly why I would like to attend Bryn Mawr? I will return the favor!!! Thanks:)

Culture of Possibilities

With the amelioration of prejudices held toward females' cerebral ability, the multicultural fabric of woman has been backstitched and expanded throughout the years. Any woman who carries an array of perspectives along with her intellect can only stand in awe at the diverse opportunities Bryn Mawr provides for modern day women. It can too often be seen in America's culture that women carry the burden of taking on household duties, abandoning their intellectual property and academic prosperity; the ideas that cultivated females propound on the world burgeon such beautiful and majestic occurrences that even cynicism looks inward, transforming and exposing its affability and hope. As a young woman living in the 21st century, I look to higher education as a paragon of equal opportunities, specifically focusing on the creativity and promise of females.

With three sisters married off and two awaiting their first child, I have seen the desperation and dependency a woman can place herself in when she has yet to allow herself cerebral freedom; and in my niche far from the possibility of marriage and conception, I have ruminated over Bryn Mawr to be the perfect college for me to expand and hone my French and Philosophy studies. A rotund liberal arts college with powerful females, excited for independence and advantages that allow them to become an intelligent and compassionate associate in their field is the precise environment I wish to propagate my ingenuity. Each of the colleges I am applying to is dignified in the nurturing of women; but Bryn Mawr is a gem among its sisters, and I cannot ignore the adventurous and determined visions I perceive of the student body.

This sundry environment opens infinite possibilities by grounding in each of its students' independence, grace, and intellectual certainty and criticism. The amalgamation of languages, religions, and cultural heritages available at Bryn Mawr will prepare my path in becoming an influence on social justice, a lighthouse for my culture, and a bridge for the world's multiplicity of views. Between Bryn Mawr's cultural diversity and global preparation is an academic solemnity that correlates each of these aspects into the strong groundwork of a world leader, a chance for students to expand their network.

The partnership between Science Po and Bryn Mawr immediately captivated my literary eye (seeing as how Claudel and Proust both belong to the alumni pool), and the academic opportunity to study a semester in Paris will allow me to inherently understand French culture through their historical affluence and idiosyncrasies of scholars. Not only did the international possibilities at Bryn Mawr satiate my quasi-nomadic thrist but the Tri-Co and Bi-Co program caused every pessimistic neuron thereby ecstatic cerebration! I can only anticipate my broadened prospective within my independent study from attending classes at Swarthmore, Haverford, and the University of Pennsylvania -the array of classes available will suitably mold my thesis on empiricism and dichromatic use of film. Sigh. The setting sun and rising moon will keep me company in my niche company while I anticipate my arrival at my first college of choice

Wow. To me, that does not sound like a personal essay anymore. It sounds more like a research paper. Yes, you can write, and you have a large vocabulary list, but I suggest you tone it down a bit. The admission officers would like to hear your voice. The exclamation mark also looks out of place in this essay, especially since you have it amidst a sea of thesaurus words.

Oh, and you might also reconsider this sentence:

I can only anticipate my broadened prospective within my independent study from attending classes at Swarthmore, Haverford, and the University of Pennsylvania -the array of classes available will suitably mold my thesis on empiricism and dichromatic use of film. Sigh.

I'm sorry, this is just my honest opinion. Relax and just be yourself! (unless this IS the way you usually think and talk)
Good luck!