Hi please provide feedback and constructive criticism on my common application essay "Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you." It is still in need of editing but I'd just like to get some opinions on it. Real first names have been censored from this post!
It was nearly the end of May. Entering the dim room, I was taken aback by the photos that hung on the wall. Smiles and laughter were captured in those images, serving as reminders of the girl that I had known at the start of the school year. Looking over to the somber, sunken-in face that sat before me I wasn't even thinking of whether or not my actions would be successful; I just knew that it was what I needed to do.
Though we lived in the same house and danced in the same class, M and I were not close friends. We did not often do things together outside of class, but it was impossible for me to not be concerned as every bone in her body was made visible under her increasingly transparent skin and her lively nature gave way to constant fatigue. The environment in which we lived in was one that naturally fostered self-criticism, so it was easy for many, including teachers, to disregard the significance of the situation. Unlike my peers however, I could not stand by and watch such self-destruction take place.
Unsure of how exactly I would be able to help; we talked. As M gradually began to open up to me about the fog of confusion within her own mind, I began to discover that I possessed insight that could help cut through it. Forty-five minutes later I got up to leave after what felt like hours, feeling as though while my words were appreciated, I hadn't truly been able to make a difference. Later that night though, M's roommate approached me. "L, I don't know what you told her," she said, "but I think you just made the breakthrough." Starting the very next day, I watched as M gradually attempted to rebuild herself back to the happy, strong girl in the photos. Through the process of helping M realize the value of herself, I became aware of the strength of my own attributes.
That night changed my perspective on myself. Caught by the notion that I was under qualified, I previously hadn't understood myself as someone who carried the potential to bring about change. Compared to issues that I believed to be far greater than me, I saw myself as a mere teenage girl who was too small to make a difference. This was the first time I realized that through seeming small gestures I can have an impact on others' lives, who in turn will affect even more people. It has made me committed to not allowing apprehension about the outcome stop me from acting on something I believe in. There is no cause that is too big to act upon, because we all possess the ability to be a catalyst and initiate change.
The issue that you and M talked about is too vague to have a great impact on the reader. I feel like I would be more impressed if I knew what the actual problem with M was. The reader needs more details, specifics to draw them into the story. Your ending is all good, maybe a little general. In all, a well written essay.
possible details to add: location of story (school? camp?), issue at hand
can you please take a look at my essay for upenn? thanks :)
I agree with the previous poster! It's written nicely but the essay does nothing to spotlight your attributes to the readers. It's centered too much on M, in my opinion. But I loved the ending sentence, it was concisely powerful.
Hope I helped, please like my comment if it did :)
