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My nine years younger brother - UBC application


unigirl123 1 / 1 1  
Nov 9, 2019   #1

What is important to you, and why?


When I was waiting in the hospital room, I didn't know that this small and somehow reddish baby would change my life completely. My brother,is nine years younger than which made it hard for both of us to have common interests. However, this didn't stop us from fighting over small things like most siblings. As we both grow up, things started to change and we were less fighting and more communicating with each other. When I was nearly thirteen, my parents were leaving us home alone even only for a few hours, because they believed that I was grown up enough to take responsibilities and handle an emergency situation. In summers, when both of my parents were working, we stay at home together and play Minecraft as he begged unstoppably, and also what seemed like eternity, to play. Having a brother, taught me many things which in my opinion had a strong influence on who I am. By having a brother who is nine years younger than me and the fact that both of my parents work every weekday, bonded us closely. Not only I learned take responsibilities in an earlier age, but also to care and love someone unconditionally. That's why my brother is the most important person in my life.

Maria - / 1,102 389  
Nov 13, 2019   #2
@unigirl123
Hi there. Welcome here! I hope this feedback gives you an idea on how to improve your writing.

First and foremost, the writing itself appears to be rather unhinged on the criteria that is expected of you. Through reading just the title of what you should be tackling, I feel as though it is critical that you establish why your brother plays a critical part in your life. Before you start storytelling, give this out as sort of a thesis statement. This will help heavily with your writing because it will improve the flow of writing.

Furthermore, the removal of redundant details should also be implemented throughout your writing. If we take a look at your composition, there seems to be story-telling portions (especially certain ages) that appear to be just repetitions of the ones before it. Make sure that all of the details you are placing onto the writing are all essential details - this will help your writing become a bolder.


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