Hi everyone. I need feedback with my personal essay. Please be sadistic and criticize every aspect of the essay. Thanks!
Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
It was mid-December and it was snowing heavily. I was walking back from school, and as I walked, my eyes captured an unpleasant view that will always be in my memory. An old, barefoot, shaking man was sitting in the corner of the street. I tried to keep walking and not to stare at him, but it was impossible to eschew such a painful image.
On my way home, I was constantly thinking about him. His wrinkled skin, shaking hands and bare feet had completely shocked me. 'I have to do something about it' - I kept saying to myself. I quickly grabbed my phone, called my friend Arber and told him everything. He said that he had seen the old man himself and had been also thinking about helping him. This was a moment that completely changed my view about the world.
We decided to help the old man by raising funds at our school and by collecting clothes that we would not wear. I also met some other friends and we all decided to cook muffins and donuts. We sold our bakery at the school and outside it and by the end of the two weeks, we had collected 178 Euros.
My friends and I approached the old man and asked him to tell us where he and his family lived. He told us that his wife and three kids lived in a village just outside Prishtina in an old house, while he was forced to go out in the street and beg for money. The next day, we went to his house with the food we had bought and the clothes we had collected. When he saw our faces, tears started to trickle down his cheeks. His happiness was beyond description. His pale children started to smile, and we felt very happy to know that we were making someone else happy.
From that moment on, my view about the world changed entirely. My friends and I decided to open a Charity Club at our school and to continue our "mission" to help unprivileged families. I started to believe in the power of good will and learned that big changes can occur when we take small steps because as Maria Robinson said, "Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending."
This is very moving. Wow, i'm impressed.
Also, if you guys can check out my essay and give me some feedback and edit for any grammatical mistakes, please :)
Really nice essay. If i had to comment on one thing, the word mission probably doesn't need the inverted commas. But all in all, good job.
Best of luck :)
Thanks a lot. I thought so as well. But is it persuading? For some reason, it just doesn't seem so to me. I mean, it`s not like i used great words and its only 400 words. :S
Nice, Well Written essay. I can't really find mistakes with grammar after Pretty Wings' corrections. Solid essay. Godd luck with admissions
Really touching essay. I hope you get into everywhere you're applying. i can;t find any major grammar errors so it looks like you're good to go.
I mean, it`s not like i used great words and its only 400 words.Typically speaking, admission committees are more concerned with sentence structure, grammar, etc. than with vocabulary acrobatics. Oftentimes, less is more. With that said, how long must your essay be?