'Im a nole - SMARTER AND SURER' - FSU ESSAY

Hi and thanks for reviewing my essay and helping me cut and improve. I want to go to FSU and have a 34 ACT and B+ grades at top public school and fair resume but mostly centered on football. Hope to play inter murals in college and plan to be in the stands gameday. Believe I have good chance but want to make sure with essay. Have overworked on this essay and want to submit and wrap up my application now as I will be on campus for Miami game. Thanks

This is the prompt: For almost one hundred years, the Latin words, "Vires, Artes, Mores" have been the guiding philosophy behind Florida State University. Vires signifies strength of all kinds - moral, physical, and intellectual; Artes alludes to the beauty of intellectual pursuits as exemplified in skill, craft, or art; and Mores refers to character, custom, or tradition. Describe how one or more of the values embodied in these concepts are reflected in your life.

442 words and probably still shallow..cutting is harder than writing for me!

I was born a NOLE. "Vires, Artes, Mores" is in my DNA. My mom graduated from FSU and my dad was a professor at FSU early in his career and they have exemplified these values in their lives and mine. Strength, skill and character has been a big part of my value and belief system as far back as I can remember.

I am not a fan of Latin mottos, but I do believe mottos can provide guidance for our lives. My motto, is a blend of FSU's and the Olympics Motto and it has given me strength, guidance and purpose.

"STRONGER, SMARTER, SWIFTER, SURER...TO SERVE " is my motto and it is repeated eac morning before I hop or crawl out of bed . "STRONGER, SMARTER, SWIFTER, SURER...TO SERVE" is repeated many times in my run and sometimes even when walking but most of all when the pressure is on it help me cope. I know I am strong, smart and will deliver as I have a character, mental and a conditioning edge.

This past week I went to Cornell's football camp in Ithaca and my team was in the final championship 7 on 7 game the last night. We had won 6 of 8 games and we were playing the only undefeated team at the camp who had gone 8 and 0 and beaten us badly earlier. I had a horrible game the first encounter as I was matched against a much bigger, faster and stronger wide receiver that was going for a scholarship and he deserved one.

I found myself repeating my motto every play but most of all I played SMARTER AND SURER and I convinced my team to modify our defense in the second half, by dropping a player to help me in deep coverage and letting one of their offensive linemen who was slow and could not catch go free. The extra support worked and we were one TD ahead with one play remaining and they went to my man as I expected. He was unstoppable and he made an incredible catch but it ended up one yard short as I had jammed him repeatedly and hit him the moment he had caught the ball.

We celebrated the last night of camp in my room long after curfew but most of all what I will remember about the game and that night was my teammates chanting my motto while we relived our short season. Just as I was impacted by my parents and their FSU experience, I had impacted my teammates with my beliefs and values and most of all my actions. I AM A NOLE.

Okay, I guess your prime narrative is meant to show intellectual strength, as you came up with a good strategy for winning the game, but still, the overall tone seems shallower than the prompt would seem to call for. Perhaps you could condense the narrative into a shorter example, cited specifically for Artes, and the use the room you save to talk about other examples, either of Artes or of Vires and Mores.

Thank you. My mom was also not excited about my essay but my dad loved it as it had specifics and my motto is for real. He liked it because it showed how I lived my values and how I impacted others. I'm 5'7" and weight close to 150 lbs and I am fast and I was up against a much much faster WR who was 6'3-4" and had 50 lbs and a foot of reach on me (we called him Randy as in Randy Moss)...no one else wanted to guard or get embarrassed by him. I have had little success and lots of injuries playing football for a high school team with a losing record year after year so any win is a big win for me. Small victories mean a lot to me and tried to convey this as most of us (include myself) don't get big wins. I was confident we could win and tried to get everyone on same page as I am pretty much an optimist...that's my "surer" side. As my dad's book outsold my mom's by big numbers I tend to listen more to him but am open to more views. In back of my mind is reality that FSU may not even spend 5 minutes on my essay as my ACT and I believe and weighted GPA should be in top 10% of applications based on web site freshman profile. Thanks again.

No! This is a metaphor. Those characteristics are figuratively, not literally, in your DNA. There's no quicker way to signal a lack of intellectual power than to use the word literally improperly in this way. Instead say, simply:"Vires, Artes, Mores" literally is in my DNA.

Yes, thanks you EF. I have dropped "literally". Was using literally in the first sense but it adds no value and cans be misconstrued. Working on getting 49 more words out now.

1 : in a literal sense or manner : actually <took the remark literally> <was literally insane> 2 : in effect : virtually <will literally turn the world upside down to combat cruelty or injustice - Norman Cousins>

usage Since some people take sense 2 to be the opposite of sense 1, it has been frequently criticized as a misuse. Instead, the use is pure hyperbole intended to gain emphasis, but it often appears in contexts where no additional emphasis is necessary.

Why don't you put this in your essay? It's really interesting, and would fit quite nicely with a bit of polishing.

Thanks EF. May have the space now and will look at it this evening and discuss with parents all comments. Fits easily after paragraph 2 and can clean up both parpagraph and addition. Did not want to go overboard on football but it is current example. I also do well OK academically...got a 790 on Math SAT but bottom line, football is my real passion and my playing career ends this Fall as I am also a realist.

ONE MORE TRY.

I was born a NOLE. "Vires, Artes, Mores" is in my DNA. My mom graduated from FSU and my dad was a professor at FSU early in his career and they have exemplified these values in their lives and mine. Strength, skill and character have been a big part of my value and belief system as far back as I can remember.

...

Now it sounds much better and much more coherent and blends well

Many thanks diiaa36. Never really pleased with what I write and sure I could improve more but will hold off final until tomorrow AM and submit then. The thoughts and comments from essayforum were very good and helped me a lot.

why dont u take out that whole 2nd sentence i think it is? about ur parents and stuff. if u need to edit, id say edit that part out.

i see what ur trying to do, but i read somewhere that the essay cant hurt u so badly if ur already good enuff for the school anyways. ur scores seem like ur gonna get in.

but the essay will help ple get in, if there on the edge. i dont think ull be on the edge. i know ur trying to guarantee urself in, but i do think that you should take that part in. theyll know ur a legacy from ur app.

to delete words, delete that part :D

I am not a fan of Latin mottos, but I do believe mottos can provide guidance for our lives.
^^ maybe this part too.


^^ yea!

good luck man!