Write a formal, academic essay in which you imagine that you are in a position of leadership in your country or your local community (note that while many leaders who effect change are politicians, they can also be scholars, activists, scientists, artists, etc.). Choose an issue about which you, as this leader, feel passionately and describe it in detail, giving your informed reader a sense of the arguments and counterarguments associated with the issue. Tell us where you stand and why, using description and analysis of real-world evidence as well as your unique perspective as an influential member of your community. Hypothetically, how would you address this issue and what would your community or country look like as a result of your actions? Please be as specific as possible and limit your response to 500-750 words.
This is the topic for my nomination essay this year. The one I've written below is my first draft. If there is anything to make it better or my grammar, structure is wrong, please feel free to correct me. Thank you!
South Korea's prodigious economic growth since the devastation of Korean War has been an inspiration to many foreign telegrams. Currently a reformed economic powerhouse, South Korea still continues to pursue its high standard education, showing an exceptional academic ranking- 2nd in PISA (Program for International Student Assessment). Nevertheless, its highest teenage suicide rate according to OECD brings out pessimistic voices, as if to suggest its state of disruption.
Over 1/3 of the students sleeping during lessons due to an average sleeping span of 5 hours and 27 minutes stresses upon the overburden the youngsters have to deal from rote education. Where preparation for universities is strongly emphasized from the early age, severe sleep deprivation among students is becoming a growing concern.
While Korea's education has proven to be rigorous, Korea has produced much talents by its successful implementation of education policies. 12 compulsory subjects and a strong emphasis on Mathematics and Engineering from primary to high school have been a strong key to producing many literate and well educated workforce. Not only is this a strong foothold for Korea's potential technological development, but it is also a major back-up to its soft economy. Having the capability to generate 98 percent of university graduates between the age of 25 and 34 is phenomenal and this draws out a better future for many generations to come.
Even though South Korean students outperform many of the foreign students by their impressive academic results, its prerequisite learning that primarily focuses on Korean SATs affect students' social behavior.
Having a personal experience of Korean education, it is within bounds to say my life was a ticking bomb- structured yet monotonous and insecure. Waking up in the morning at the exact same time to leave for school, and to come back home well past midnight with my bag packed with Algebra tests and Intermediate English Grammar workbooks from cram schools- also known as 'hagwon' in Korea- was profoundly the most appalling distress I had ever encountered as a student. The marks relentlessly written with a red pen on the top right of my exam papers were the only source of affirmation and reward to my regimented schedule.
The fact that hagwon is the major backbone of South Korean education, it is almost obligatory for parents to send their children for private tuition outside of school. Students, who are forced to sit in a classroom with 20 others meaninglessly memorizing 200 English vocabularies each time, are oppressed to how much they can express their personal thoughts to their families and even their friends. With only their academic performance to feel self-conceit, even the slightest falter in their reports become the main reason for suicidal thoughts; this accounted up to 53 percent of the reasons why high school students felt suicidal in 2010 according to Korea Centers for Disease Control (KCDC).
For decades, blatant abuse and reinforcement of scrupulous education system on students has made revolutionary reform inevitable. As well as an elimination of Korean university entrance examination- Korean SATs, lessons should emphasize more on interactive learning and creative thinking rather than memorizing theories and exam style answers. Not only will this allow teachers to teach a well-rounded syllabus to students, but will also remove restrictions to educational content set by the national curriculum. Hypothetically, the new education system must compromise at least 5 practical experiments in Science and Mathematics and 3 hours of debate or public speaking per week in Korean, English and foreign language. As well as lifting a huge burden of pressure, stress and strain from both the students and parents, self-directed learning will enhance.
However, elimination on Korean SATs will remove fairness as students' capabilities can no longer be measured uniformly through the same exam. New exam syllabus will have to settle in quite quickly for students to adapt and during the process, overzealous parents could even send their children to more hagwons and private tuitions for a head start.
Regardless, South Korea should not be blinded by students' academic performance as this bodes ill for the future. Instead, its education should bring out significance to all matter- practical applications, creative thinking, and analyzing skills through various interactive learning. Elimination of Korean SATs will take away the great burden of stress from students and will provide them with greater opportunities to engage their learning in real life.
Hi, Lucy. I'm really impressed with the use of varied vocabularies that make your essay profound.
Let me give you a little bit of suggestions.
Most importantly, you should clarify your opinion.
As in the Essay Topic, you have to clearly mention what kind of issue you are going to discuss, then tell whether you agree or not. It is important to follow the clues that are given in the topic when your are planning your answer. In your essay, some facts and knowledge about Korea are scrupulously lined up without your own opinion.
Since you have a good command of English, arguing your opinion makes your essay convincing.
Good luck
